One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking
across
the lawn when he hears a voice-"Jesus is watching you!"
He jumps, turns
around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping
across the lawn again.
"Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now
the burglar is
really looking around, and he sees a parrot "Did you say that?"
The parrot
answers "Yes I did." So the burglar says "What's your name?"
The parrot
says "Clarence ." The burglar says " What kind of stupid idiot
would name his parrot
Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says "The same stupid
idiot that named his
Rottweiler 'Jesus'. "
In The Beginning
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
%God
#Enter password.
%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light
#Done
%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one
place and let the dry land appear and....
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish
#Done
%Create fowl
#Done
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living
creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its
kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were
0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Create cattle
%Create creepy_things
#Done
%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create man
#Done
%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue
it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%Insert breath
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%Create Garden.edn
#Done
%Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors
.%Copy woman from man
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
%Insert man into woman
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%Create desire
#Done
%Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create freewill
#Done
%Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create good, evil
#Done
%Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
Garden.edn.
#1 errors.
%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER
GOING
DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE
MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.
%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.
%Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
%Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME
SUNDAY,
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
Church Humor
Most people don't realize how much editing goes into a church bulliten
or newsletter.
Some announcements have to be completely rewritten because if they
appeared the
way they were submitted, it would lead to total confusion. Below are
some examples:
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Martin to come forward and
lay an egg
on the altar.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
the new carpet.
All those wishing to do something on the new carpet may come forward
and do so.
A 'Bean Supper' will be held next Sunday evening. Special music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come
early and listen
to the choir practice.
The flower on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Hunter,
the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Hunter.
The United Methodist Women have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be
seen in the church basement this Friday from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.
Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an
accident?
-Norma
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why don't
You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
Because if
you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was
a puppy.
-Joyce
Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He
said some
things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You
will not hurt
him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed
to be our
day of rest. -Tom L.
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before,
You can look
it up. -Bruce
Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything
you
want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael
Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they
had their
own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.
Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the
best.
-Rob
Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.
They're
just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said
You did it.
So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset
you made on
Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene
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===============================================================
Build Me an Ark, Noah
And the Lord said unto Noah: "Where is the ark which I have commanded
thee to
build?"
And Noah said unto the Lord: "Verily, I have had three carpenters off
ill. The
gopher-wood supplier hath let me down -- yea, even though the gopher-wood
hath
been on order for nigh upon 12 months. What can I do, O Lord?"
And God said unto Noah: "I want that ark finished even after seven days
and seven
nights."
And Noah said: "It will be so."
And it was not so. And the Lord said unto Noah: "What seemeth to be
the trouble
this time?"
And Noah said unto the lord: "Mine subcontractor hath gone bankrupt.
The pitch
which Thou commandest me to put on the outside and on the inside of
the ark hath
not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth
me on the
ark side of the business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers
Ham and Japheth.
Lord, I am undone."
And the Lord grew angry and said, "And what about the animals, the male
and
female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their
seed alive upon
the face of the earth?"
And Noah said: "They have been delivered unto the wrong address but
should
arriveth on Friday."
And the Lord said: "How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by sevens?"
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying: "Lord, unicorns are a discontinued
line;
thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are
sold only in
half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is."
And the Lord in His wisdom said, "Noah, my son, I knowest. Why else
dost thou
think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?"
--Journal of Eastern Region of the Royal Institute of British Architects.
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==========================================================
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make
it rain until
the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I
want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing
on the planet. I
am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said
Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better
have my Ark
completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to
fall. The Lord
saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was
no Ark. "Noah,"
shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into
the ground next to
Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were
big
problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and
your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw
the plans. Then I
got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler
system. My
neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the
Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there
was a ban
on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish
and Wildlife
that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch
any owls. So
no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would
pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat,
and still
no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights
group. They
objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit
dismissed, EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea
that they had
no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army
Corps of
Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plane. I sent them
a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire,
the IRS has
seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving
the country,
and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use
tax. I really don't
think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah
wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across
the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the
earth?" Noah
asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
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=============================================================
There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned.
She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite
campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make
sure
of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities,
but she couldn't bring herself towrite "toilet" in a letter. After
considerable
deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote
that
down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her
letter, she
referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the cabin where I will
be
staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what
she
actually wrote
The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's
check
and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on
the desk of
the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would
have no
way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to
run
some errands.
The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled
by the
euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but
they couldn't
decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady
was the widow
of of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question
about the local
Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands
for 'Baptist
Church.' " And he sat down and wrote:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take
the pleasure in
informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground
and is
capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance
away if you
are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased
to know that a
great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it.
They usually
arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded
we had to
stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know
that right now
there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are
going to hold it
in the basement of the 'BC.'
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go
more regularly, but
it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems
to be more of an
effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with
you the first
time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this
is a friendly
community."
===============================================================