Well, I've decided it best to start up a second page of ponderings. Didn't want the loading time to drag severly. I know I promised after the last major update to keep everything up to date, and for anyone that actually checks back, I apologize.
Now, on to the latest entry :-)
January 13th, 2001
Well, my first entry since the year began. Not too much new really. Went down to visit everyone in the states for New Years Eve. Had a great time, and again I send a huge thank you to them for opening their hearts and homes to me :-)
A new Neil update for y'all. I am done chasing him. After the work party it seemed everything might be going a bit better. Was out with friends the saturday before christmas and ran into him at the local bar. He was sitting with my friends talking, I watched him play some pool.... I was getting good vibes. I was gone from the 26th till the 4th. I figured if he was interested he might call while I was away. No call. Saw him at work on the 5th and was basically ignored. I can't keep trying to catch his attention. I'm guessing it's just not in the cards. He says I never try to talk to him at work. Well, the door swings both ways. Looking back I am always the one that initiated everything. Fuck it. If he wants me he can be the one to tell me. He knows I like him. Ball is officially in his court.
Yes, I'm in one of those moods. I don't feel comfy going to bars/movies/anywhere social alone. I have met a ton of guys from the net only to discover they either were lying from the beginning or were looking for ways to change me, and the others that weren't are now "good friends". Yes.... that horrid phrase that I have grown to hate as much as I hate brussel sprouts (admit it..... the sprouts of brussel are gross.... they're always bitter... and they make my mother fart...... gross).
What are my plans for the next few months? Well, I'm sorta laid off at work, but not really. They were cutting back production, but I had almost a full week this week, and a definite full week for next week. Crazy, huh? Oh well.... will help me make my end of the month payments, and all the ones in between.
Anything else. Oh, you all know the Chris story at this stage in the game. So y'all know I'm over him. This is a good thing, cause he has a new gf. I hope it works out for them. I haven't met her yet , due to my schedule and how I've been feeling as of late, but if he likes her as much as it seems, I think it will work for them.
Had my first minor problem with my new van. Before I went on my trip I kinda sorta got a flat tire, lol. The funniest part about it is my friends from work told me it would loose pressure eventually because I hadn't put air in it (was getting fairly low). Well, we got a cold snap, and it lost all pressure. Thanks to Matt and Constentine (you crazy siberian you) for changing it for me :-)
Well, I think that's all. I'm heading off to tidy up and head to bed. I'll have updates on anything new when it happens (don't expect too many, lol)
G'night everyone
~Mags~
PS ~ as soon as I find a way to get stupid netscape page wizard to work again (might come after I format and redo my system) I'll be able to start page three of my ponderings. This page is starting to get a wee bit on the long side.
December 18th, 2000
Well, here's the Neil update for everyone.
We had a Christmas party for work on Saturday night. I had 2 other parties before this one, so I was ready to cut loose and have fun. I started with a mikes hard at the second party of the day.... just warming myself up. I showed up with a veggie tray in one hand and 2 packs of mikes hard cranberry lemonaide. They started me with a woodies pink grapefruit drink (very yummy), and then Neil showed up. I proceeded to have 4 mikes in the matter of an hour and a bit.
So, he walks in, everyone looks up and the teasing began. Now, I hadn't told anyone I was interested in him, so how they knew is beyond my knowledge. I don't remember specifics but I know he was high/drunk, and I was drunk. Nothing happened. For me it was because I could feel everyone staring at us. Well, come 4 am everyone had either left or passed out somewhere. I started cleaning up a bit as I sobered up enough to drive the whopping 5 seconds home. Well, a co worker came downstairs after putting his girlfriend to bed, and the talking began. Found out Neil had broken up with his girlfriend the night before. Then, later on in the talk (an hour or so) he flat out said he was still in love with her. I am sitting there the whole time, wondering how I got into this mess.
So, although I still like him, and if he ever asked me out I would say yes at the drop of a dime, I can't see it happening anytime soon. I am to the point where I am going to change my middle name to rejection. All I ever seem to end up as is everyone's "really good friend", and after going through that with Chris, and now with Neil, I can't do it anymore.
Now I get to go to work tomorrow, and have everyone watching every move I make and asking what happened between us. I'm pondering wearing a sign on my back explaining nothing happened so they can read it while they stare. Yes, I am upset. I am going back into my "what's wrong with me" frame of mind. Why don't guys like me?
I'm off to feel sorry for myself yet again. Hope everyone else's holidays are getting off to a better start than mine.
*hugs*
Mags
December 7th, 2000
Well hello hello :-) Believe it or not, I am still ( barely, lol) alive. Where to start in the "what's new" category of my life.
Let's see. I met (yet another) guy from the internet. He is a very nice man, but as we discovered, I am a bit too aggressive for his liking, LOL~ (what's that you say, I lept on him like he was fresh meat.... what's that you say, he was quite inexperienced in the whole art of making out...... what's that you say, my independance and utter horniness petrified him? LMAO!)
Yes, you are correct in assuming I scared him off after going out once. Ah well, such is life.
On another note about the romance side of my life, after months of being bugged at work about a certain guy that is in the mixing department who shall remain nameless (Neil), I finally worked up the nerve to ask him out. Just for coffee, but it was a very brave first step on my part. Well, I picked up the phone, dialed his number, said "hey, do you wanna go out for coffee or something?" only to find out he's currently seeing someone :-( Now, this isn't an all together bad thing, for the relationship with this chick (herein referred to as the other woman, lol) isn't going very well. And after finding out he was seeing someone we still talked for about half an hour, which was nice. He didn't seem utterly repulsed at the thought of me liking him, and the other night we were working together and everything seemed pretty good. On the down side, me being the nervous FREAK that I am forgot to give him my phone number to get in touch with me whenever he wanted to. DOPE!
Anywho.... onto the rest of my life..... wait..... that about summed my life up. I'm horny......... extremely horny....
Ohhhhh wait....... I went out with a group of friends from work the other night.... my god was it a blast (and not just cause Neil was there... though that helped... his gf was there too tho which didn't help matters.......)! I was the designated driver, so I got to watch everyone get hammered out of their skulls... or high as kites (ode to the... ahem..... "birthday" cake, LOL). Although I'm sure my co workers are dying to get me right looped out of my mind, I would rather watch them have the fun and also make sure they all get home safely.......and I had a lot of fun, sober and all.
Well, I shall leave this entry at that. I promise at least one more entry before christmas, and I guarantee a post new years eve entry (I'll be gone in the states from the 26th till approx the 4th......)
Ciao for now
Mags :-P~
Saturday, September 30th, year 2000
Hellooooooooo everybody. I am sitting here aching head to toe just to bring you todays entry. It's about 5:30 pm, and I'm wondering what I'd like to do about dinner tonight. What did I do today? Well, pissed off my mother. Man, was that as fun as ever. Lately I get a day off at a time. I just got my day off between work weeks. It's today. I spent my work week hunched over a conveyor belt either putting meat pies in their trays or defoiling hors d'ouvres. 42 hours of either of those things. Being 5'8 was not to my advantage this week. My back is literally aching, and my left knee has decided to swell back up a bit and ache whenever I stand up after sitting for a period of time. So today, while I was sitting down for a bit, she choose to be upset with me over the fact that I wasn't doing anything truly productive or going out shopping with her. She left the house slamming doors on her way. Me, always getting upset over the fact that she is upset with me, got up, got dressed, went outside, proceeded to break my already sore back mowing lawns with the lawn mower that is too short for me, helping her friend unload a truckload of wood she brought over for us to use this winter, and then MOVE said pile of wood to a better location, while bringing some of our existing wood pile around to a more accessible location. It's been a rough day. To top it off I have to lug about 3-4 loads of laundry downstairs to do this evening, seeing as my next day off isn't till thursday.
I can't wait until Thanksgiving weekend (for us canucks it's the weekend coming up). I shall have a house completely to myself. No visitors, no one making me feel I'm not doing anything. Just me, my sisters dogs, and a weekend away from the rest of the world. Yes, I have friends returning from University for the weekend, but I'm thinking of turning into a recluse. This will more than likely piss them off, but I'm in need of me time. Time that no one is demanding attention of any sort, no one needs anything heavy done.
A question to pose to anyone reading this. Why is it younger men are looking for petite women, that tend to be extremely feminine, and run around half nekkid flaunting themselves? Why is it the only men I seem to attract are older then me? Nothing against all the older men out there. It's just I want someone I can discover life with, not someone who has been there, done that, bought the cheap ass t-shirt. Yes, I am feeling lonely today. This time of year I want someone to go for long walks with, or curl up with on the cooler nights, possibly under the stars outside, or inside watching a movie. My ideal man..... tall, husky (I need a man with meat on his bones), dark hair, possibly a goatee, though it's not a requirement. That's right, tall dark and handsome. But handsome to me isn't what society/pop culture refers to as handsome. Handsome is in the eyes of me, the beholder. Does my handsome, caring, witty, sarcastic dream man exist? Do I find him by not looking? Or is the only place I'll ever be able to find him in my dreams.......
Well, I'm off to continue work on the new opening page. As I said, I shall keep it's progress under the link at the bottom of my current page, and hopefully it will be done soon.
*hugs* Hope everyone is having a better saturday then I am....
Mags
September 29th, the year 2000
Captain Kirk is dead Jim...... he's DEAD!!!!!
Wow... it's been like...... a lot of months since I've touched this page...... how does a new font colour sound? I thought you'd agree....how does a light green sound? Bit hard to read eh? Too fucking bad!
So what is new? Well, as you all knew, I worked in a factory. Well, I still work there, though I am 40 some odd hours from being a full time employee. Yay me! (yes, read this as my life sucks, someone please put me out of my misery) It does have some good points. One is the raise to $13.90 an hour. Another is the full benefits (look ma, no teeth)....
What happened with me this summer? I worked long hours, slept when I wasn't working, and ate when I wasn't sleeping or working. Exciting, eh? I had one fantastic weekend at my friends cottage. It's up in Haliburton (aka buttfuck no where), and was just what this doctor ordered to keep me sane during the summer months. We drank, we played pranks, we went skinny dipping (fat dipping in my case). Slept little, ate well....... overall a weekend away from the stress and worries of the regular work week. Happily I state that nothing was damaged. Of course, you can't tell I backed into a small tree if there are no marks left on the car :-)
The weekend was held in the end of June. Between June and August absolutely nothing happened. Wait, I lie. Remember me stating how I almost ruined a friendship by confessing undying love to my best friend? Well, I did that waaaaaaaay back in February, and for a long time regretted my decision. We discussed the issue at his cottage... I cried (typical woman), he made me feel like a million dollars, and I'm still utterly single. Well, back in August we did a trip up to a local casino, and he decided to invite his ex. Needless to say, I felt extremely uncomfortable with the situation. But, being the doormat that I am, didn't say a word. Well, I noticed fairly early on in the evening she had her eye on him. My female friend (herein referred to as Amy, cause that's her name, lol) and myself abandoned them promptly upon arriving at the casino. I proceeded to lose $60 in about an hour and a half, Amy came home with an extra $20 (I should have just given her mine in the beginning of the night). When we met up with said friend and his ex, they were standing close together, she was playing with his hand, I was almost nautious.
I am proud to say after that night, and many nights of wondering why, I am finally over him :-) I am to the point where I've realized if he were the one for me he would have done something about it (seeing as he's known my feelings for about half a year now). Since he hasn't acted upon the knowledge, he obviously isn't interested. Now, although I will likely measure the men in my life to him, seeing as I basically viewed him as a god, it's gonna take a while to get back on my feet. But at least I know he isn't for me, and my eyes are pealed, watching for the next unsuspecting twerp to fall into my heart :-)
Now, at the end of August I did a roadtrip. Where did I go? That's right... Arkansas........ I figured "hey.... why not?" While in Arkansas I met one of the best group of people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Ken, Kimmy, Honey, Gary........ I cannot express the way you have opened my heart and mind. I started my 2 day trip on a bus from Toronto to Buffalo. This leg of my trip went fairly well. I slept... LOL. Crossed the boarder without any major hitches (where are you going? Arkansas. Why? I'm going camping! *skeptical glance* where in Arkansas are you camping? Heber something or other. Alrighty then, come on in and join our big american family... LOL!) I arrived in Buffalo at 11:30 that night, and stood in line for my bus from Buffalo to Ohio to meet my ride. Well, seeing as Greyhound employs complete and utter morons that OVERBOOK buses, I was stuck in Buffalo overnight, by myself... in a bus station. Ever see the movie "Adventures in Babysitting"? Yeah, I was sooooo there. made many phonecalls (have yet to receive my cellphone bill, LOL), and eventually, at 5am the next morning hopped on a bus to Ohio.
After a few changes in destination, I met up with my friend in Columbus. I saw him before he saw me, walked over, and gave him a huge smelly hug...... hehehe. Was just like meeting up with a friend I hadn't seen in years. We hopped in his sweet ass car, and headed on the road to Arkansas.
I don't remember much of the actual roadtrip. I slept half the time, LOL. I was awake however for Bowling Green (some place in Tennessee, my first visit to a redneck liquor store (never say the word sober in liquor stores in the south... they don't like it), and I was of course awake to drive thru Little Rock..... herein referred to as ClintonLand, hehehe.
When we pulled into our next destination, I will never forget stepping out of the car to hear Ken, with a huge smile on his face, say "Wassssssuuuuuuuuup?". I gave him a huge hug, and from there on in I felt like I was at home.
Now, if you are clocking this trip... I left Toronto at 8 pm, wednesday night. I got to Ken's at , what's that you say.... 1 am thursday?? And my night was just beginning. I got a quick tour of the animal house, woke up my kimmy (hugs and nip tweaks to ya girl), and then Ken decided we could leave to set up camp. This is 2am, and Ken insisted it was a half hour drive. An hour later, and a few detours, we arrive to set up camp. After the tent pitching (well, camper pitching in this case), we sat out and did an early morning wake the neighbours jam session. At 5am we were on our way to bed, when I proved i am not even remotely redneck. I asked where the bath house was (I needed to pee). Ken points in a direction and says "over yonder". So, I, in my wisdom, take the flashlight and wander off into the night looking for "over yonder". After about 10 minutes of wandering in what I thought was the "over yonder" direction, I return, and ask for a chauffeur to the bath house. That began the laughs. They didn't end till Monday evening, when we had to bid adieu to our campsite, and to each other....... Until new years of course :-)
Eventually I'll create a page of pics of the trip... still need to get my film developed :-)
That's it for my summer.
Ta for now
Mags
January 28th, 2000
Wow! It has been a while since I've sat and poured my thoughts out to my computer. Let's see. Christmas was ok. I made the mistake of staying up all night on the 23rd, finishing my shopping the 24th on no sleep, doing all my wrapping, and finally passing out at about 1 am, lol. Needless to say, the next morning came VERY quickly.... first time since I can remember that I was upset to be woken up to open presents.
New Year's Eve came and went. Managed to upset two close friends in one evening. Impressive eh, lol.
I've started back at work. Happy to inform you all I've finally been hired on by the company, as opposed to working through a temp agency. I'm very happy about it, and I'm hoping to pull off working while starting back at school again. Yes, I've decided to learn about computers.
Love life is, as of now, non-existant. Nuff 'bout that :-)
Overall, I feel it's safe to say I'm happy. I'm getting closer to the point where I can wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and like the person I see in the reflection... which, as those close to me know, is quite a big deal :-)
I have an early day tomorrow, so I must sign off for now. Tomorrow night I'll have more ponderings and thoughts for you, as opposed to me catching you up on my dull life. If anyone reading this wants my thoughts on a given subject, email me and let me know. Anyone and everyone knows I'll jbber on about anything... hehehehe....
Take care all... ciao for now
Mags
February 1st, 2000
Hiya folkses :-) Or folk... dunno how many actually read this, LOL. Well, as of now I think I've fixed all the glitches in my site. If you find one, please let me know... email links should all work :-) I'll double check the one on my index before heading off tonight.
Going to start revamping my front page tomorrow. Unsure of what I'll do to it, but it needs a facelift. Someone (my special assmaster) has requested a happy face on it, so i shall see what I can find :-)
I have no scheduled hours at work this week, so i can putz around with my page for a while :-) I am hoping they call me in a few times. Have a christmas bill for my credit card in, lol. Note to self... saying "charge it" for most of my shopping gets very expensive, LOL!
I'll be adding a new jokes page tomorrow (likely). I can never guarantee the jokes to be clean, so if you have issues with dirty language, or possible slurs of any sort, I suggest you take each joke with a grain of salt :-) And seeing that i curse like a sailor these days, I'm guessing this isn't a child friendly site.
I need to update my links page as well. I have a few more links to add, and I'll add links to child friendly sites, as well as websitter ones that block x-rated sites from kids.
There is a topic for me to babble about a bit. Should the internet be censored? A huge part of me is against it, for the internet is worldwide, whereas censorship changes from country to country. The problem is that so many underage kids are online unsupervised. I strongly feel kids should be monitered while surfing. I hate when adults come online and say their kids have been sneaking online, etc. Parents are around to raise and guide their children in what they feel is the right direction. If you don't want your child online, it is easy to password your connection.
But, as I said, censorship changes from country to country. In Holland sex and sexuality is a very open topic, whereas in, say Canada, most topics that involve sexuality are taboo. But, to take away censorship would allow for hate groups to openly and freely be active and publicising themselves. I guess I'm on the fence about the topic.
But, speaking of Holland gives me a topic for my next entry later on this week. Should euthanasia be a legal practice worldwide? I'm interested from those reading my ponderings to give me their feedback on my subjects, and suggest any that they have :-)
Well, I'm off to bed. Keep checking back for more updates from time to time ;-)
Sweet dreams to all..... or wet dreams......... or pleasant nightmares......whichever yanks your crank, lol.
Ciao
Mags
Febraury 2nd, 2000
Well, had a very unevetnful day, lol. As you can see I didn't touch my opening page. Was just checking out gifs and nothing caught my eye.
I'm in a writing mood tonight, so this could end up a very long pondering. My (what I believe to be) only reader has made a suggestion, plus I want to talk about euthanasia, as well as something I was talking about with my best friend on the phone just now. So here goes.....
Starting with euthanaasia. I am very much so for it. I have never understood why we are humane enough to put our pets to sleep when we believe they are in pain, but we sit beside the one's we love and watch them go through horrid amounts of pain. As you all know, my grandfather passed away 5 months ago. He never made it to the stage where he was in need of lifesupport, but in the end he was in extreme amounts of pain, taking morphine daily. He couldn't care for himself. On one of his last doctor's vists he said "I'm not half the man I once was". Now, had we been in Holland and he had consented to it at a time when he was of sane body and mind, he wouldn't have had to go through the degredation and pain of watching himself detiriorate. This also applies to those with illnesses and diseases that are painful and have no known cure. Should they have to live a painful life if they don't want to.
One of the battles against euthanasia is of course the religious stand point. It is wrong to want to die. Euthanasia is a glorified term for suicide. Or is it? I say no. Suicide, in my opinion, is a healthy person's escape from their troubles'. I see euthanasia as being far more than that.
Any views on what I've said? Let me know. I'll be comforted to know people are actually reading this, LOL.
K, on to the suggested subject from my avid reader , LOL! My views on what the media considers to be newsworthy. He didn't realize this when suggesting it, but I have a very distinct view on it. Although I feel we, as the public, need to know about plane crashes, wars, deaths, etc., I feel that what is shown on the news is part of the cause for violence among youth. Many blame it on the violence in cartoons, or just tv in general. But, watching the news for one week is enough to throw anyone into a severe, deep depression. Leading story for the hour, 21 people shot to death during a disgruntled workers rampage. As a child, I couldn't deal with the carnage I saw. I was afraid to turn my light off at night. To this day I'm petrified of many situations partially because of watching the 6 o clock news as a child.
I do feel we need to be informed of upcoming events... but perhaps certain stories shouldn't be showed when small children can sit and watch.
I'm not going to go into my third subject for tonight, but I will add it on either tomorrow or the day after.
Hugs to all :-)
Mags
February ummmmm...looking at calendar......3/4th, 2000
Seeing as it's 3 am, I couldn't decide if it was late on the third or early on the 4th, lol. I just feel like talking tonight for some reason. Don't really know why.
Well, this is going to be more journal entryish than me taking on a specific topic. Have a few things on my mind family wise that I want to babble about.
My parents are divorced and have been for the past almost 8 years now. For a large portion of those years I ignored my father's existance on this planet. The whole time my mother was pushing that I should get in touch with him. Just recently I got back in touch with him again, and instead of her being happy about it she seems to be very upset, making snide remarks when he calls or even just out of the blue. I finally got to the point where I could put the past behind me and move on, and she's in a negative sense pushing me more and more towards him. Is she insecure in my love of her because we've been fighting so much these days? I dunno, but it's driving me insane.
The past little while I've had the feeling nothing I do is right. Everytime I turn around something else isn't good enough. And the pressure she ends up applying on me is always negative. It's almost to a point where I feel unconsciously my reasons for not doing odd chores is because I'm expected not to. Why do things when the past will always be thrown in my face. I could do dishes every night for months on end, but then the one time I don't do them it'll be turned back into me never doing anything to help out. Is there any way to win this battle I've been fighting since my childhood? I used to say yes, but these days the only way is for me to move out again.
It's funny really. Lived in an apartment last year and I was the one hounding my roomates to clean up and vacuum, etc.. Maybe it was because there wasn't anyone standing over me reminding me daily that I'm far from perfect and lazy. Of course, I also did things on my own schedule. If I didn't do dishes that night they would be done the next morning. I dunno..... maybe I truly am just lazy and basically a horrid person to live with. But I don't think so :-)
Another thing I just realized is by posting this there is always a chance my mother, father, brother, sister.... hell, any relative online could be reading this. Never really thought about it much before. Though , I also know I have nothing to hide from anyone. My life has almost always been an open book, waiting for someone to read it :-)
Well, it's late. To Toby, I guess when you asked if something was on my mind tonight, something really was. And after reading this you'll know exactly what it was, lol.
Catch everyone later. Likely won't add more for a few days. Babysitting for my sis saturday night, working sunday night.... dunno my schedule at work for nect week yet (let's hope I have a lot of hours...... christmas bill came in and I'm muy poor, lol)
Sweet dreams and pleasant nightmares...
Mags
February 9th, 2000
I know, I said I'd write more on Monday and it's now wednesday. So shoot me, LOL.
I have been working my ass off these days, so I haven't really had time to sit and write much. And even right now I honestly have little to nothing to say, lol. Being on the day shift I have little time awake in the evening to do much. Next week will be much of the same. So far, between today and a week from today my only day off is friday. Next weekend I'll be going on a road trip and therefore no updates. After my weekend away I'll sit down and catch you up on anything exciting that happens.
Hugs to all.... take care
Mags
February 11th, 2000
Well, it's a few days before the dreaded v-day. That's right folks, Valentine's Day. A day for those with a significant other to feel madly in love, and those without a significant other to fall into a deep depression, lol. Honestly, I've given up on being depressed. It shall pass as any other day of the week. Although it would be nice to have someone special, i'd like to have him all year round, not just for this one day :-)
I will (hopefully very soon) be purchasing a video capture card. After I do get it, I shall be able to post more recent photos :-) Hell, I could change the photo hourly if I wanted to, lol. For those I know from the webcam world, this does not mean the creation of MaggieCam (sorry to disappoint). This is not to say it's not something I ponder from time, it's just not anything I think I can do. From the cams I've seen, I am not even remotely cam material :-)
To catch you up on my life, I'm working, lol. This is my first day off in 6 days, and I spent it sleeping in and doing some chilling (caught up on my cheesy soap opera, lol).
I work at 6:45 am tomorrow, and it's just past midnight right now. I'm off to bed. Tomorrow night I can't add anything cause i work till 10:45 pm, and then at 6:45 the next day. Possibly monday evening I'll add something. We'll see. And I extremely apologize for my lack of changing the opening page. Haven't thought of a super duper idea for it yet, but as soon as I do you'll see it.
Wishing wet dreams to all who read this....
Ciao for now
Mags :-)
February 24th, 2000
Hi again folks. Sorry for my absence for so long. I'm feeling a complete lack of inspiration these days, and I know my ponderings can be dull when that happens. So, my options are leave drab, dull posts, or don't post at all.....and as anyone who checks back from time to time saw, I chose the latter of the 2.
Honesty is important, right? Between friends, family, lovers.... What if it makes a situation uncomfortable for all involved? Is it still best to speak your mind and let others know exactly where you stand? My reasons for asking are simple. Recently I revealed a secret I've been keeping well hidden for the past year. Only one person knew of my secret until a few days ago, when I informed the person who is involved in my secret what was happening. At the time I was petrified. Judging by the friend's immediate reaction, I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Are you going crazy with curiousity yet? I informed my best, closest, dearest friend that my feelings for him have been beyond friendship for a long time now. A piece of information that I had tried to hide until it got to the point where I had troubles coping with certain situations our friendship had placed upon me. Most advice I've given to him in the past year has been partially biased by feelings I had no control over.
His reaction threw me. I knew it would be a slight shock, but now I need to find a way to overcome an awkwardness that is hanging over us. I'm not expecting him to feel the same way for me that I do him. I am far from being any prize catch, and physically I am not his type. Can our closeness survive the massive test it's been put to? I certainly hope so, for without my friends, I am not me. Will his feelings towards me change to reflect mine towards him? As much as I hoped the chance would occur, I know now that it won't. Now to just be able to accept this fact and move on....
I try to live my life with the view of no regrets. At the times I make decisions and follow through, I had my reasons, and I never doubt my reasons for doing anything. I have fleeting moments where I'd like to reach out into time and space and change an immediate action, but without my past decisions and actions, I wouldn't have formed into the person I am today. If I viewed everything I'd done as perfect until this point, I'd have no way to improve myself, and could die right here and right now. Making mistakes is included in signing the "I'm human" contract.
Now, a moment to deeply thank all my friends, both on and offline. I am not an easy person to get along with, and I thank you all for sticking with me through many hard times.
*HUGS*
Mags
March 1st, 200
Ok, I'm hopping on a huge soapbox for a minute or 5 to let everyone know something. Happiness is found within. A huge shock eh? If you can't look into your own heart and see a true, vibrant happiness, than it is something that will likely elude you.
I have spent years... well, in fact, my whole bloody life living to make others happy. I bend over backwards, do everything and anything in my power to keep everyone else happy. This past year I started living for me. Selfish some might say, and in fact, I am. Happiness isn't putting others down to make yourself seem higher. In fact, that puts you at the extreme bottom. I post on a forum at an internet chat site, and recently there was an attack on those who post humourous messages, that either they received in their emails or thought up on their own. A single person ended up being attacked by many, and though I know he isn't reading this, I send him my thoughts and gratitude for everything he has posted.
Personally, I now look in the mirror (soul mirror, not physical one) and am slowly liking who I see. I do things to find my ultimate happiness.
Onto a linked subject of this post. Some have asked what has become of my braveness of me telling my best friend that my feelings wanted to span beyond friendship. I've come to a huge realization about the whole thing. I knew what his reaction would be... he has yet to say anything along the lines of how my statement affected him, or if it is effecting him in the slightest. Why, after a year, did I share my thoughts with him? Freedom. I wanted to be free of something that has been hanging over my head for over a year now. I didn't want him to turn around and say the feelings are returned. I wanted him to say "wow, I'm honoured, but don't feel the same way" and leave it at that. His silence on the subject has not only upset me, but in a sense, disappointed me. My love apparently is not something to be grateful for or cherished in his eyes.....
How do I feel over the whole thing? Good riddance to it. There is no longer any doubt in my mind, and I can move on.
I know he's confused. He sees it that every time we vegged out in front of the tv that I had an alterior motive, and he couldn't be more wrong, for I had no motives. Friendship never has been nor will be a motive driven relationship. Friends are soulmates to be respected, cherished, and loved with all your heart in any way possible. friends are not there for the times only when you need them.....
K, I'm done for tonight. Clff, I'll tackle your suggestions in the next few days.....this is just something that I needed to say :-)
*hugs* to all my friends...
Mags
If you have comments or suggestions, email me at msknight@idirect.ca
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