What's he on about now?

In case the articles, essays and opinions throughtout this site just weren't enough for you, here's my online diary (a.k.a. 'blog'). It's as close as you'll come to the inside of my head, so don't say I didn't warn you
(and remember, you can always e-mail me if you love or loathe anything you're about to read)...


   Monday, September 02, 2002

I OUGHTTA BE COMMITTED

As I've mentioned before, one of the perks of my job at the pub is the steady supply of 'eyecandy'. On any given night, there are at least a couple of really attractive men who will wander by and, more occasionally, stop to chat me up. This has been very, very good for this former shy boy's ego. In the year and a half that I've worked there, however, I have only returned such a pass twice (and only once successfully).

For a long while, I avoided getting involved with customers out of some sense of duty -- I'm not being paid to hit on our patrons, after all -- but I eventually realized that such scruples are unneccessary when no one else working there is worried! Soon after that, however, I fell in love with my current boyfriend. He's funny and lovely, the chemistry is fantastic and I haven't needed anyone else.

While working tonight, I was again visited by Shane, an adorable blond 23-year-old who flirts shamelessly with me. I once called him on it by giving him my number and telling him to set up a date, but he never phoned -- we both seem to know that our relationship is strictly teasing. Shane was also flirting with a handsome 28-year-old named Craig but they apparently had the same arrangement, if only because Craig already has a boyfriend.

As I talked to them for a while, I soon began to realize that -- boyfriend or no -- Craig really liked me, Shane really liked Craig and I really liked both, quite frankly. A strange kind of three-way flirting escalated over the next hour or so and I didn't know what to think. While the old, unattached me would've easily known where all this should lead, the current, happily-monogamous me felt a mixture of glee and discomfort.

I like to flirt. I do it all the time, in a gentle way, with men, with women, with whoever seems interested in a tiny connection. I think it's healthy but I do worry about the fine line between being a flirt and being a tease. I worry about leading someone on. I worry about saying something inappropriate. I worry about my boyfriend feeling insecure and jealous about it. I worry about generally being a Bad Person, since I'm a former Catholic and it never goes away. Craig tells me he feels the same way.

The flipside here is that none of us are married -- hell, none of us can be, right? -- and in gay circles, infidelity is often considered a minor crime, if not inevitable. Monogamy, many argue, is an outmoded, sexually-repressive attempt at social control, oppressive to heterosexuals and damaging to homosexuals. I could -- or possibly should -- sleep with Craig, with Shane, with both, and I doubt no one would know or care if they did.

So, as an adult who's earned the right to make my own sexual choices, all I can say is yada yada yada. It's not going to happen. At the weathered old age of 31, I'm still in the process of sorting out how I feel about marriage, monogamy, boyfriends, one-night-stands and all the other labels and categories we impose on our sexual practices. All I know for sure is that, right now, Darcy makes me happy but my sleeping with someone else would upset him. It's as simple as that. The pleasure I'd get from exploring someone new wouldn't be worth the pain of deliberately hurting someone I love.

I'm as committment-phobic as the next man, I'd say. I know that, one day, I may look back on these words after Darcy has left and curse myself for passing up a chance with another but I like to think that, instead, I'll look back with him beside me and pat myself on the back for not screwing up my chance at happiness. No doubt after he complains about me flirting with the waiter again.

Labels: oh l'amour