What's he on about now?

In case the articles, essays and opinions throughtout this site just weren't enough for you, here's my online diary (a.k.a. 'blog'). It's as close as you'll come to the inside of my head, so don't say I didn't warn you
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   Friday, August 22, 2003

JUDGMENT DAY

I saw a movie on television the other night called The Rapture, one I'd heard about for some time but had never seen at the video store. Mimi Rogers plays a bored woman looking for meaning in her life, starting with group sex and leading to Christian fundamentalism. Such a wild pendulum swing is made totally plausible by Rogers' terrific performance and by the way the film deals matter-of-factly with issues of faith, identity and sexuality. I was waiting for it to either bolster my own opinions or challenge them, but it did neither -- the plot going in directions I had to really work with. It's an amazing movie that made me think about my own experiences and direction, the way a great film often can.

What struck me immediately is how it pinpointed my fear of judgment. The idea of a fundamentalist Judgment Day is horrifying to me (and no doubt to all the people it keeps in line, as well). I can't believe in a god who so coldly picks his favourites and punishes his disappointments, but doesn't nature do that all the time? Life is routinely generous with some, cruel to others, and a Judgment Day scenario is just one way, as Jung put it, "to light a candle of meaning in the darkness of mere being." The eerie question "The Rapture" poses is, 'What if they're right?'

I don't know what I'd do, frankly, but I do know that judgment -- or, more accurately, avoiding judgment -- is what drives me. I judge the people around me about half as harshly as I judge myself, and that's about half as much as I used to, years ago. Why has all this bank-loan-credit-rating business been so painful to me? Because of the frustration that my financial struggles, my attempts to make things right from mistakes made over a decade ago, can be so quickly and easily judged and dismissed by people unknown. Why am I not pouring my energies into finding a better job instead of grinding away in the two that I have? Because of that fear I get in job interviews when the people behind the desk skim over my resume and say, "Wow, you've done a little of everything, haven't you?" and I know they don't mean it as a compliment. Why am I not spending what little free time I have working on a novel or something of value? Because of the doubt that it would mean anything to someone, that it would be glanced at and tossed to one side, unread.

This fear of judgment is paralyzing yet so obviously ridiculous because, while you the reader may be saying, "Jesus man, just shut up and do it anyway!", it's the voice in my own head that says it loudest of all. It's a strange kind of safety -- no one can judge me because I'm too busy doing it myself.

Labels: religion