What's he on about now?

In case the articles, essays and opinions throughtout this site just weren't enough for you, here's my online diary (a.k.a. 'blog'). It's as close as you'll come to the inside of my head, so don't say I didn't warn you
(and remember, you can always e-mail me if you love or loathe anything you're about to read)...


   Thursday, January 15, 2004

EMOTIONAL INFLUENZA

Having weathered an unpleasant cold-or-flu-or-something-like-that for the past month, I was finally back to my prime physical health (I know, I'm giggling at that, too). Why then, did I suddenly feel so miserable? Despite spending an enjoyable and productive weekend on Project Home (Don drove me to IKEA -- he's the best!), I nevertheless felt that familiar gloom around me, tugging at my coat.

As I attempted to explain to my friend James today, my experience of depression seems odd to me in that I generally feel optimistic, sensible and grounded, yet surrounded by a swirling vortex of pain, grief, corruption and despair. Some days, I feel pleasure at this sense of walking safely in the eye of the hurricane; other days, I feel it closing in like a wall of fire about to consume me. Some days, I feel this is all some phantom wind created by my own neuroses; other days, it feels like Reality itself, rushing in to confront me with all the evils of the world, the suffering of others, and the cold fact of my own mortality. On those days, I am such a Downer.

I suffered through one of those this week, triggered by the usual small but stubborn irritations of life, and it occurred to me afterwards that all this is really like an emotional version of the flu. The symptoms start small but increase in severity until becoming painful and debilitating, before the mind can create antibodies to fight it off and slowly recover. Today, I felt a bit down and more than a bit grouchy but could tell I was on the mend.

So is there an emotional immune system? And what, then, is the emotional equivalent of echinachea? Religion? Friendships? More sleep? We've all learned from the pop songs that money can't buy happiness but, as we sadly discover in our lives, love doesn't always cut it either. Neither does a good job or lots of friends or all sorts of otherwise necessary parts of a life. I'm realizing that, phantom or no, that rushing spiral of misery is always circling and fighting it is a skill I'm still working on.

Labels: friends