What's he on about now?

In case the articles, essays and opinions throughtout this site just weren't enough for you, here's my online diary (a.k.a. 'blog'). It's as close as you'll come to the inside of my head, so don't say I didn't warn you
(and remember, you can always e-mail me if you love or loathe anything you're about to read)...


   Monday, January 31, 2005

   OH HELL, WHILE I'M AT IT...

...apologies as well to Dr. James Dobson, who I ridiculed for 'outing' SpongeBob SquarePants last week. It seems the too-good doctor has done us gays a service by being so stupidly hateful (or is it hatefully stupid?) that even the children he's trying to 'save' have sided with us.

It seems that a group of kids at a middle school in New York City (already warped from living in Sodom, Dobson'll argue) decided to hold a SpongeBob Support Day in honour of the seaside cartoon pariah:

Friday's demonstration at Farley Middle School was organized by seventh-grade class president Jordan Uffer. The students wore a variety of clothing bearing depictions of SpongeBob. "He's a cartoon," the 12-year-old Uffer told the Journal News. "I felt there was no reason for them to say that he was homosexual, and there isn't a real difference between gay people and not-gay people. We're all human beings."

The kids are alright.

I offer heartfelt, sincere congratulations to George W. Bush.

Yes, the same guy, the president, the one I've referred to as a smirking, incompetent, lying, cheating daddy's boy -- that guy.

Thanks in large part to him, Iraq held its first democratic elections yesterday and they were very nearly a massacre-free success. There was a turn-out of about 60%, despite the threat of being shot by insurgents at the polls. This matches Canada's recent turn-out of about 60%, despite the threat of meeting a Stephen Harper fan at the polls. Now give Iraq some Tim Horton's outlets and some natives to ignore (wait -- Sunnis! Perfect!), and we're all on the same page!

Bush will be proud of himself and I suppose he should. He had to lie very hard and for very long to get to this Machiavellian triumph. Those of us who grumble about ends not justifying means can only do just that -- grumble. Even I have to admit that the ends are looking pretty sweet.

So far, Bush's gamble with the Middle East (and our own security by extension) has come up lucky 7's! And now that Iraq forms a nice set of bookends with Afghanistan, you know the casino chips are being pushed Iran's way. George's got the dice -- someone blow on them, quick!

Labels: George W Bush, Stephen Harper

They can do a good-enough job on their own. A typical piece from the IMBD news:

Singers and "Newlyweds" stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey sympathize with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's recent split because they've also suffered under the media's scrutiny. The pop couple allowed cameras to chart the ups and downs of their marriage for the MTV reality show and subsequently became victims of the public's obsession with their private life.

Well, rest assured that at least I have done nothing to oppress these suffering victims. My only obsession is avoiding them!

I had the perverse thought of waiting until Saturday to write again, just so it would be exactly one month since my last posting. My blog has become A Cry For Help.

Fans of my ramblings -- both of you -- were surprised by my silence these last few weeks. How could a mouth this big be so silent? How could I, of all people, just shut the hell up? I could scarcely believe it myself but still there was nothing.

In short, it just all got too big. Huge. George Bush's unbelievable re-election. The depressingly-hysterical gay marriage debate. The pathetic near-bankruptcy of Toronto, my home. America's renewed love affair with the vague, creepily-euphamistic "moral values." The tsunami horror. And brave soldiers dying, dying, dying in this never-ending, mismanaged, unnecessary, goddamned war in Iraq. I felt overwhelmed.

I ranted, I pondered, I donated money but, oddly, I couldn't write. I just couldn't see any point to broadcasting my marginal opinions in the face of all this. And the weirdest part is that this wasn't part of another depressive episode -- while the Toronto weather in January has been a brutal yo-yo swing from 'damn-cold' to 'fuckin-cold', I've been, well, happy.

I joined a conversation with two work colleagues the other day about the tenure of Mel Lastman as Mayor of Toronto -- the "wilderness years," we agreed -- and I told them my concerns for David Miller, trying to clean up in the aftermath of that incompetent and corrupt reign of error. "But how much can we really worry about this stuff?" my friend asked, "You and I have our own problems to deal with."

But maybe that is the problem -- right now, I don't. My own life is, knock on wood, remarkably content at the moment. I love the company I'm working for and, for once in my life, it loves me back. I've been on a couple of dates -- nothing too heart-pounding, true, but still welcome. I've been spending time with friends and reading a lot. It's all very low-key but very, very soothing.

But these causes I care about, the huge problems I fear, are still rolling forward and I, personally, am just not doing anything to help. I feel stagnant and useless. It's not that I have some kind of hero complex or anything -- the problems in this world will only be solved by group action, not by me, but how does going to work everyday and yammering on about it all on a blog change anything? This has been my mood since Christmas.

Ah, but here's the turning point, where I shake off the maudlin self-pity that has crept in yet again. I forgot about inspiration. I forgot that there are people I admire who are doing what I'm not -- or just trying -- and being a conduit for their ideas is always the next best thing to having ideas of my own. If I can't be a faucet, I'll be a bucket and either way the water will get there (ladies and gentlemen, please welcome that metaphor, straight from my ass!)

So, while I mull over what the bishop's next move is, here are the people who've given me the kick in the backside I needed this month:

-- Joel Achenbach, whose new "Achenblog" on the Washington Post site (you may have to register to read it) is as smart and witty as I want mine to be. Plus, he shares my pain:

Not sure I love blogging. Have had numerous moments of blogger neurosis...Also there is my concern, which first surfaced yesterday, that this blog isn’t really about anything, is scatterbrained, and like many blogs is just an exercise in unrestrained egomania. That bothers me. My motto is: Egomania In Moderation.

-- Darrell Reimer, who makes me jealous by running TWO blogs: the thoughtful and assured "Whiskey Prajer" reflections and the advice-for-fathers column "Stay Home, Daddy-O" which makes me jealous by being about something! When he hadn't read anything from me in three weeks, he called me long-distance to see if anything was wrong. That's the mark of a fine man and a good friend, so go read him and leave me to my jealousy!

-- Nat Hentoff, the fine jazz writer and free-speech advocate, caught me right when I was questioning the point of my lone-Canadian anti-Bush watch:

Whenever I speak at a school, or at any gathering, I bring the late Supreme Court justice William O. Douglas into the conversation. As a defender of constitutional liberty, he was the direct opposite of Alberto Gonzales. The Constitution and the Bill of Rights, Douglas once wrote to a group of young lawyers, are not self-executing. He warned: "As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air—-however slight-—lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness."

Hentoff has said that "the best way to lose your freedom is to stop paying attention to those trying to take it away from you." Fair enough, Nat -- I'm on board.

-- Mary Walsh, who carried the same theme forward but, of course, funnier and with that great Newfoundland accent. On Rick Mercer's Jan 17 "Monday Report", she admitted that she misses her stint on "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" mainly for "the outlet." Now, Mary wailed, she can only rant at friends and "no one will invite me to a dinner party anymore!" (Oh Mary, I'm so there with you!) Mercer -- the imp -- then asked, "So Mary, what do you think of George Bush?" and she hollered, "Oh, he is driving me MAD...and that numbnuts Rumsfeld -- anyone else would've lost his job by now!"
Isn't she perfect? I want Mary Walsh to adopt me!

-- and finally, Dr. James Dobson, director of (sigh) Focus on the Family, who issued a "gay alert" against the evil of Spongebob Squarepants. How I wish I were kidding.

It all started when the We Are Family Foundation -- created after the Sept. 11 attacks to teach children about multiculturalism -- announced an unprecedented collaboration between various children's TV creators -- a video sent to elementary schools featuring dozens of currently-popular cartoon characters promoting the idea of tolerating differences and challenging bullies.

On that note, here comes the family-focused Dobson, who insisted that the use of the disco chestnut "We Are Family" made this an "insidious pro-homosexual video" (since, as Gore Vidal might say, all gays love disco music, except the ones who don't). Also, there's the inclusion of the ever-cheerful Spongebob Squarepants, who was once spotted holding the hand of his sidekick Patrick Starfish and subsequently outed by Dr. Dobson.

The media has had a field day with the story this week -- not since Dan Quayle criticized the fictional pregnancy of Murphy Brown has there been such a ridiculous cultural critique. Unable to stand the teasing, the good doctor's people issued a fussy disclaimer on the FOTF website:

From the outset, let's be clear that this issue is not about objections to any specific cartoon characters. Instead, Dr. Dobson is concerned that these popular animated personalities are being exploited by an organization that's determined to promote the acceptance of homosexuality among our nation's youth.

Oh, I see, he's not obsessed with gays, he's "concerned that these popular animated personalities are being exploited" (by such a "determined" group -- grrr!). Who cries for Clifford, the Big Red Dog? Who mourns Dora the Explorer? Sure, I could go on all day making fun of this loon but it's only because I'm so angry at him. This is not about children being exposed to depictions of homosexuality (which I forbid), or even discussing the lives of homosexuals (which I advocate) -- for Dobson, it's about not tolerating the mere existance of homosexuals. This sickens me (and hopefully Christians who still remember Matthew 22:36-40).

I try to understand the hysteria. It's really a problem of vocabulary. When homosexuals hear the word 'tolerance', they think, "freedom from being beaten and hated by bigots" and when Dr. Dobson and his ilk hear the word 'tolerance', they think "liberals anally raping your children." And how do we bridge that gap?

Here's an idea: we leave it up to the fine folks at the United Church of Christ, who weighed in on this sadly-topical issue by cleverly...well...exploiting a popular animated personality. In the funniest set of photos I've seen all week, the UCC has invited Spongebob Squarepants into their church:

Jesus wouldn't turn away SpongeBob Squarepants, and neither does the United Church of Christ. Rev. John H. Thomas, general minister and president of the UCC, gave warm welcome to SpongeBob yesterday -- as well to Barney, Big Bird, Clifford, the long-banished Tinky-Winky, and anyone else who had "experienced the Christian message as a harsh word of judgment rather than Jesus' offering of grace."

Ladies and gentlemen, THAT'S how it's done: fighting crazed stupidity with beautiful silliness. I was already proud of the United Church for their clever-but-banned 'bouncer' TV ad campaign and their bemused reaction to Dobson's hatemongering is inspired.

And it reminds me why I do this. When I look around and see a world so grim, so irrational, so (yes) intolerant, I feel swamped and helpless and impotent. But then I remember that this same world is filled with funny, sensible, decent people trying to make it sane, fair and fun. That's a good fight and, while I strive for a more concrete role in it, this tiny, meaningless blog will continue to champion the reasonable and mock the hateful.

Now tell me what you think...

Labels: Canada, George W Bush, religion, Trawna