What's he on about now?

In case the articles, essays and opinions throughtout this site just weren't enough for you, here's my online diary (a.k.a. 'blog'). It's as close as you'll come to the inside of my head, so don't say I didn't warn you
(and remember, you can always e-mail me if you love or loathe anything you're about to read)...


   Friday, August 25, 2006

   EXPLAIN YOURSELF

My friend Trevor is a big fan of Katherine Hepburn, who famously offered her secret for happiness: "Don't complain, don't explain." A wise lady, certainly wiser than I, who -- as anyone who's read this blog knows -- both complains and explains at great length. It's been definitely better than the Job-worthy stance of silent teeth-clenched endurance I used to adopt, yet clearly leaves much to be desired.

My friend Robert called me a pessimist this week. That label makes me feel, well, hopeless (rather counterproductive, that). Despite a near-complete lack of evidence otherwise, however, I must disagree with him. To me, a pessimist is someone who automatically thinks that, no matter what we do, things will turn out horribly, even when they appear to be going well. I'm actually the opposite -- I believe that, with some good will, communication and effort, things can and will get better, though our present seems bent on making that growth as difficult as possible. It seems to be our perverse gift to allow things to become as fucked up as possible before, at the darkest moment, we collectively band together, rise up and achieve the impossible. It's been this way all throughout history and it's one of the most magical yet most infuriating attributes of humanity. Why can't we go to the dentist before we need the root canal?

My friend Tara's never been like that -- always meeting her frustrating circumstances head on -- so imagine my delight when she announced her engagement this week. I already knew, as her boyfriend e-mailed me a couple months back to tell me his plans and ask me what I thought. Easy answer -- I was thrilled and very proud of him. Tara's last boyfriend had been a class-A cretin so it's been beyond wonderful to see someone as cool as Jay not only recognize just what a fantastic person Tara is but also make his own plans to marry her. She sounded giddy, even as she explained that "yes Scott, you are a pessimist." I tend to play by the rules of other people, which drives her crazy when she sees me twisting myself in knots over the concerns of other people. "But what kind of asshole would I become if I stopped caring about that?" I asked. She just shakes her head, astonished that I would believe in the possibility. She and Jay want me to investigate becoming some kind of deacon or justice of the peace over the next year or two. "We want YOU to marry us," she says. I think she's kidding, then I think she's insane, then I think that this is the loveliest thing anyone has ever said to me.

My friend Darrell will have to advise me -- he's a novelist and preacher's son who grapples with all the big questions and no one I know has done a better job of explaining himself. He had an 'episode' of depression these past couple weeks but, even then, put it into words both wise and wonderful, as he tends to do. I called him up 'round bedtime, we ended up talking too long yet never long enough, and I think we both came out of it feeling better. Untrusting soul that I am, of course, I had to ensure it by kicking my ass over to the post office that day and mailing him a couple mix CDs for him and his daughters. That's right -- bribery -- it works! Of course, by saying so, now I'll have to hurry and mail Tara that DVD I mentioned!

What does all this add up to? I haven't a clue. As I said to Robert, it's not that I'm panicked or in despair, it's just I look around and see everyone struggling -- longer, harder, quieter than I've ever seen before. By any standard -- economic, cultural, environmental, political -- the world feels full of shit these days. It'll reach a crisis point and then, like the brave, brilliant creatures we are, we'll find a way to turn it around, to start fixing, to start healing. But why wait til then? As Mahatma Gandhi said, "Almost everything you will do is meaningless, but it is still important you do it."

When the opportunity to adopt a puppy appeared in front of me late last year, I had every logical reason to say no. I wasn't being a pessimist, it was sheer fact -- I have little time, little money and little support to properly care for such a needy little creature. Her rabies shots and flea treatment this week alone have bankrupted me till next Thursday. But I couldn't say no -- she'd been abandoned twice already at the age of four months and I knew, even at the spur of the moment, that this dog represented the future. It's why people have kids, isn't it? You can't give in to despair because you've got an opportunity to care for something outside of yourself, to put a little happiness into the world. Maybe I personally can't always pull it off the way I'd like but my dog does it beautifully -- she loves and is loved by strangers in the subway, people on the street. I taught her to walk on a leash; she's teaching me to run without one. A little dog and a few good friends are all I've ever needed -- my little flickers of hope.

Labels: friends, introspective, Tegan the Jack Russell Terrorist