What's he on about now?

In case the articles, essays and opinions throughtout this site just weren't enough for you, here's my online diary (a.k.a. 'blog'). It's as close as you'll come to the inside of my head, so don't say I didn't warn you
(and remember, you can always e-mail me if you love or loathe anything you're about to read)...


   Monday, July 31, 2006

   THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER

In their latest and greatest skilled, tactical defense against Hezbollah terrorists, a single airstrike from Israel has killed over three dozen children. Their Prime Minister says this:

"We will not stop this battle, despite the difficult incidents this morning. If necessary, it will be broadened without hesitation."

I can't tell you how much I love the phrase "difficult incident." A flat tire is a difficult incident. I'm thinking the mass murder of children deserves just a touch more regret.

The Prime Minister of Lebanon seems to think so, as he shuts down peace talks:

"We will not negotiate until the Israeli war stops shedding the blood of innocent people...As long as the aggression continues there is response to be exercised..."

Uh-oh. While I understand his anger, he's basically giving Hezbollah a free pass -- and he knows it, the asshole. Perhaps if the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth -- and Israel's chief ally and arms supplier -- stepped in to smooth things over. On Friday, even before this latest "difficult incident," the President explained everything:

"And so one of the things that the people in the Middle East must understand is that we're working to create the conditions of hope and opportunity for all of them. And we'll continue to do that."

Yes, as they bury more children, I'm sure that the Arabs are feeling the love right now. They're feeling bombed with love, bombarded with opportunity and hope.

As usual, one might think that Bush sounds like a racist drunken idiot, but wait! Here's an actual racist, drunken idiot -- Braveheart Patriot Mel Gibson offered a sensitive viewpoint while being arrested for drunk driving:

"Fucking Jews...The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world...Are you a Jew?"

Not me, no, but I guessing they might feel better knowing they were right about "Passion of the Christ." Other than that, Mel's not really helping. It's not just that he's a racist, drunken idiot (though that is 99% of it), it's that he's chosen a side in a situation too horrific for team cheerleading. The US has chosen a side. Iran has chosen a side. China and Russia will soon choose a side. France is hated for not choosing a side. And yet, they all keep missing the point -- one so simple as to be completely banal.

There is no justification for the killing of civilians, whether by religious-fanatic terrorists, armed "freedom fighter" insurgents, or unbelievably-wealthy countries with massive military strength who achieved all that based on a culture of truth and law that they're now happily tossing to one side. No claims of historical grievance or deserved retribution or "difficult incidents" can ever justify the deaths of children. Any attempt will merely lead to the deaths of more children. I know it, they know it, you know it. Everybody knows it.

Except for Mel Gibson -- he's a racist, drunken idiot.

Labels: George W Bush, Middle East

I had lunch with James this morning and we talked about personal issues and our sex lives and who knows what else over bacon and eggs, but he caught me blushing when I told him that I'd edited together a video -- my first YouTube entry (!) and possibly the geekiest video ever.

Back in May, the two biggest pop culture events for me were the near-simultaneous release of the new Pet Shop Boys album "Fundamental" and the "Doctor Who" episodes bringing back the Cybermen (I believe I may have casually mentioned both of them here before). It just so happened that both the idea of the Cybermen and the song "Integral" were inspired by mankind's mad rush for efficiency and order -- parables of dehumanization.

Which is really just a poncy way of saying that the song became fused in my head as a 'Cyberman Anthem' but now, thanks to the wonders of some editing software, I can show you what I mean. It's an evening of my life I won't get back and the nerdiest thing I've ever done but it was made with love -- and I hope the lawyers at Parlophone Records and the BBC will keep that in mind!

Labels: Doctor Who, friends, Pet Shop Boys

"Syria knows what it needs to do..."

- Condoleeza Rice, on why Syria and Iran weren't invited to Middle East peace talks
- Friday, July 21, 2006

"Nicole knows what she did..."

- Paris Hilton, on why Nicole Richie wasn't invited back for season 3 of The Simple Life
- Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Labels: Middle East

I've been rambling on lately (forever?) about how international politics and the media that covers them have finally become too insane for satire and no one embodies this trend better than Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report. It's not just that his TV persona is such a pitch-perfect parody of Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and other right-wing-blowhards, but that the people he's making fun of aren't getting the joke. At all.

Following his sensational takedown of the White House Press Association back in April, Colbert had lawyer Robert Greenwalt on his show a couple months ago to discuss the corrupt Republican Speaker of the House Tom DeLay, indicted last fall for criminal conspiracy. Colbert offered his typical mock defense, while obviously allowing Greenwalt to lay the whole story out.

The next day, DeLay's website announced (as part of a fundraising pitch!) that Colbert the journalist had refuted Greenwalt's facts. That's either incredible stupidity, incredible insanity or incredible balls -- most likely, a weird mix of all three.

Now, Stephen Colbert has been criticized by network news people like Matt Lauer and Jake Tapper for being a poor journalist! It's a problem that Jon Stewart has faced -- most memorably against CNN's Tucker Carlson -- but Colbert's persona is a harder, more prickly one than the snarky-but-reasonable Stewart. Watch him drop the hammer:

Germany's Christian Hein won the silver medal in Mens' 5km at the 28th European Swimming Championships in Budapest yesterday. Do I follow European Swimming Championships? No, but I'll follow Christian Hein! I saw this photo over at Towleroad and somehow, I just felt like cheering too!

Labels: homo-a-go-go, sports

There are hundreds of these stories every year but oddly, this particular one made me laugh a little:

A decorated sergeant and Arabic language specialist was dismissed from the U.S. Army under the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, though [Bleu Copas] says he never told his superiors he was gay and his accuser was never identified.
...
More than 11,000 service members have been dismissed under the policy, including 726 last year...nearly 800 dismissed gay or lesbian service members had critical abilities, including 300 with important language skills. Fifty-five were proficient in Arabic, including Copas, a graduate of the Defense Language Institute in California.

Discharging and replacing them has cost the Pentagon nearly $369 million, according to the Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military at the University of California, Santa Barbara.
...
On Dec. 2, investigators formally interviewed Copas and asked if he understood the military's policy on homosexuals, if he had any close acquaintances who were gay, and if he was involved in community theater. He answered affirmatively.

Community theatre. "Are you now, or have you ever been, a singer of show tunes?" Next, military policy will be determined by whether or not a soldier has ever raised his arms above his head in a dance club. Hey, $369 million of taxpayers' money is at stake here!

And the existance of a 'Centre for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military' just proves how this whole issue is so sad, it's become funny and so funny, it's sad. We are living in the post-satire age.

As yet another Pernicious Homosexual, it's common knowledge that I am personally responsible for the destruction of the family, the corruption of children, the decline of church influence and, of course, the Upcoming Fall of Western Civilization. But today I learn that 'my people' are also responsible for war in the Middle East!

"Why does this war break out this week, all of sudden with little warning? Because this is the exact week the Jewish people are trying to decide whether the gay pride parade should take place in Jerusalem or Tel Aviv," Pinchas Winston, a noted author, rabbi and lecturer based in Jerusalem told WND..."This [parade] is an attack against God himself," Winston said. "God has told the Jewish people, 'If you are not going to fight for my honor, you will be forced to fight for your own honor.'"
...
Meanwhile, Yehuda Levin, a member of the Rabbinical Alliance of America, has come to Israel specifically to prevent the homosexual celebration from taking place..."Israel is the Holy Land, not the homo-land," Levin told WND...Like some other rabbis here, Levin believes that there is a direct correlation between the homosexual parade scheduled to take place in Jerusalem and the recent onslaught of rockets raining from Lebanon and Gaza.

Wow! A "direct correlation"! I've never had entire nations trembling before me -- it's so exciting and just the kind of brilliant theory the Middle East needs right now!

But in case you're not convinced of my power: I made Bill Clinton gay!

Oh, and that poncy boy from N'Sync (bet you didn't see that one coming)!

I am all-powerful!
Kneel before Zod!!!

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn kicked up the usual fuss in saying that having condoms available in high schools will lead teenagers to greater risk:

"You know, the moral rationalization is if you make a mistake there’s no consequences. I’ve seen the consequences. Condoms and teenagers work about 50% of the time, if you count all the studies up."

He's right -- ask a teenager to mow the lawn and there's only a 50% chance he'll do it. As for the point he was trying to make, condoms of course work 97% of the time and you'll get more real insight on teenagers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Cordelia: So does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.

Since I'm always all "Bad America! No donut!" it's only proper that I rant about Canada occasionally (and thankfully, 'occasionally' is all I need to). The ever-glamourous Miss Retro Virus alerted me to this post from 'RightGirl' at the Shotgun blog of Alberta's Weekly Standard:

Islam must be stopped
I cannot abide by apologists calling Islam a religion of peace. Not when every new day brings fresh tales of violence. Not when the devil that they call Allah rewards murder with polygamous sex. Not when their undeserved supremacy is fought for in countries big and small around the globe...If everything from smoking to lead paint to pitbulls can be banned because they are dangerous and deadly, why can't Islam?

"Jane, you ignorant slut."
There's a little acorn of frustration here that I totally understand but RightGirl grows it into a big tree of crazy. She's obviously unable to separate a religion from its zealots and, while I've been accused of that once or twice, I've never advocated for the banning of Christianity -- no matter how toxic many of its enthusiasts can become. As Miss RV rightly points out, her rhetoric is one step away from Communist Russia's enforced atheism and look how well that turned out! It kills me how these people with the simple solutions of simple minds never see where their illogic is leading them. Fortunately, one of RightGirl's commenters offers a practical five-point plan:

We need to stop Muslims from manipulating our Government, policies and ways of life.

1) Immediately restrict Muslim immigration.
2) Citizens must be loyal to Canada before their native nations.
3) Stop the political correctness and false accusation that our concerns are bigotry or racism
4) Muslims who are already here must assimilate or we can unleash a backlash.
5) Eveyone must show patriotism and loyalty

Jawohl, Mein Fuhrer! At least Alberta's reputation as 'Canada's Texas' is secure. Don't I sound like a smug yuppie liberal, though? Am I not just tossing around snark in lieu of factual rebuttals? Well...yes. That's what I do. But let's assume RightGirl is, erm, right when she insists that I can't just write her off as a racist, that I must engage her argument on its own merits.

I can't speak for Islam, of course. I'm still holding a grudge from university, where I knew a gay Muslim named Naseer. He was funny, somewhat excitable and Madonna-obsessed. He took great pride in his Islamic faith, struggled with his shifting sexuality and swallowed a bottle of pills at the end of the school term, killing himself. Do I hate the entire religion for that? I'm not sure, since I've seen Christianity have the same general effect.

All I know is that I like the Emami's, the Iranian family who run Millie's Place, an old diner around the corner on Sherbourne Street. Their two kids are in university but the entire family works in the restaurant. They smile constantly, serve the crazy homeless people with care and patience, and gasp in shocked delight at the zany stories of the gays who pop in for the all-day breakfast. I suppose RightGirl and her gang would call them 'the good Muslims,' the ones they'll allow to remain here after the Glorious Revolution, but I still suspect that the Emamis aren't as rare as they think.

And at any rate, if I had to choose between having a greasy lunch at old, worn-down Millie's versus a fine meal at one of Alberta's gorgeous steakhouses with RightGirl, well I'll have the banquet burger with fries, please, with some political correctness on the side.

Labels: Canada

When the world goes mad, we turn to the media for insight and analysis. Last night, CNN's Paula Zahn said:

Now, is the crisis in the Middle East predicted by the Bible? Next in our top story coverage, what does the Book of Revelation tell us about what's happening right now in the Middle East? Are we really approaching the end of the world?

I'm glad I can still find this stuff funny. Do you ever get the feeling that the only books of the Bible these people read are Revelations and Leviticus (and even then, they're skimming)? Why can't CNN mention Corinthians once in a while?

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
- 1 Corinthians 13:6

Can I love Jon Stewart more than I already do? I don't see how, but this recent bit on the stem cell debate deserves some kind of award:

I don't envy you your job this week, having to fly into war-torn Lebanon for a photo-op...sorry...intense negotiations over this latest and largest outbreak of fighting in the Middle East. Over the last two weeks, hundreds of Lebanese civilians and dozens of Israeli civilians have died horribly but I'm relieved to hear you say that these are just "the birth pangs" of a Shiny New Middle East, one that will take some time to build. As you say:

"But if we look for a ceasefire that simply freezes the status quo ante, then we will be back here again in another six months, or nine months, or a year, looking for another ceasefire as Hezbollah uses southern Lebanon as a base to launch rockets against Israel."

Oh, I don't know -- that's six months or nine months or a year in which children won't die bleeding in the streets, you contemptible moron.

I do agree with you that, "You can't have a situation where the south of Lebanon is a haven for unauthorised armed groups that sit and fire rockets into Israel, plunging the whole country into chaos..." But while I'm glad to hear that you're "deeply concerned about the Lebanese people," I must disagree with how your bosses are proving that by rushing a shipment of precision laser-guided missles to Israel. Each one will hopefully kill only a couple women and children, instead of dozens. Problem solved, right? And no need for some awkward, hard-to-enforce ceasefire.

Oh Condi, what would we do without you?

It's the end of the work week! I'm off to collect the Little Terrorist from doggie daycare so there's no time to comment on CBC Radio's collection of 24 Bitchin' Canadian Music Videos, other than that it's awesome! Here's one of them -- and I think you know which...

Labels: Canada

Oh, it's been too long since we've been able to mock Dan Quayle (a.k.a. George W. Bush 1.0). He hasn't been trying to teach children to spell incorrectly lately; he hasn't been picking fights with fictional TV characters. No, he's kept his special brand of idiocy out of the public eye these days, attending golf tournaments and quietly working behind the scenes on the frightening 'Project for a New American Century'. Spoilsport.

But now comes this report from the Mercury News, in which Danny Boy attended a concert by roots-rocker John Mellencamp, who shocked (shocked!) the ex-VP by speaking his mind:

Before launching into the song, Mellencamp told the Harveys casino crowd, in effect, that it was dedicated to everyone hurt by policies of the current Bush administration.

Quayle, who served as vice president for President Bush's father in 1989-93 walked out of the venue before Mellencamp finished the song.

Quayle said through a publicist: "Well, I think Mellencamp's performance was not very good to begin with, and the comment put it over the top."

Gosh, I hope his feelings weren't hurt too badly, but I have to wonder where the hell Dan's been for the past twenty years. Since the days when he was called John 'Cougar' by his ridiculous record company, Mellencamp's music has always been rootsy, man-of-the-people, left-of-centre folk-pop. His fans don't go to charity golf tournaments. An interview with Salon from 2003 recounts his brush with the new McCarthyism:

"The whole thing was surreal to me," says John Mellencamp. He's remembering the three-month period during the winter and spring when America was wrestling with the notion of war against Iraq. The roots-rocker found himself caught in the public fray after he released an antiwar song at the height of the debate, with some radio listeners comparing him to Osama bin Laden.

It was a startling charge for the Hoosier recently dubbed "Mr. Middle America" by ABC News. After nearly 30 years on the public stage, Mellencamp and his lunch-bucket rock and populist tales have come to signify heartland values like faith, hard work and, yes, a healthy skepticism toward authority. But anti-Americanism? "Get the fuck out of here," he scoffs.

And Quayle did, while Mellencamp was singing these lyrics:

The simple minded
And the uninformed
Can be easily led astray
And those that cannot connect the dots
Hey, look the other way

People believe what they want to believe
When it makes no sense at all
So be careful of those killing in Jesus's name
He don't believe in killing at all
Walk tall

Somewhere out in the distance
Is the death of you and me
Even though we don't think of it much
It's still out there for us to see

If you treat your life like a bar room fight
You'll die stinking of gin
No drunkards are allowed in heaven
No sinners will get in
Walk tall

So be careful in what you believe in
There's plenty to get you confused
And in this land called paradise
You must walk in many men's shoes

Bigotry and hatred are enemies to us all
Grace, mercy and forgiveness
Will help a man walk tall
So walk tall

Wow, that's some controversial stuff, there. "Isn't it funny?" Mellencamp asks, "A 51-year-old guy who's made as many records as I have can still piss off the right wing."

Labels: George W Bush, music, politics

And while I'm feeling nostalgic, here comes the National Film Board of Canada, who've decided to post streaming video of 50 of their greatest short animation pieces. In the early eighties, my mom sprang for Pay TV for a couple years (First Choice and Superchannel!) and they would run NFB shorts in between movies. I was introduced to some fantastic and delightful material and I'm glad to see that the NFB is finally using the Internet to keep that flame burning.

There are a lot of gems: The Sweater is as sweetly Canadian as maple syrup, Hunger is creepy satire done with early CGI, The Cat Came Back is deservedly loved by millions, Neighbours is as weird and sadly relevant as ever (the same goes for Every Child), and, of course, The Big Snit is the Greatest Thing Ever.

Thanks, NFB -- you do our country proud!

Labels: back in the day, Canada, the 80s

Now that the neocons have officially declared World War III (hey, Newt Gingrinch -- shut the fuck up!), I needed a laugh and YouTube is always there for me.

Back when I was six years old, I thought these two were the funniest thing I'd ever seen:



Turns out I still find them funny. As with those in the Middle East, the gap between me and my six-year-old self is nowhere near as wide as it should be!

I am in NO position to thoughtfully discuss Middle East politics (or, given the current bloodshed, the lack thereof) but, as in Monty Python, I have a theory and it is mine:

Palestinians routinely use terrorist bombings to maim and kill innocent people because they must defend themselves against Israel's larger, more aggressive army.

Israel indiscrimately kills innocent people with planes and tanks because they must defend themselves against their Arab neighbours, who want the country "wiped off the map."

The Iranian president said this -- while pushing for access to nuclear weaponry -- because Israel is in league with America, "the Great Satan," and so the Arab world must defend themselves against the coming Crusade.

America has invaded a weaker Arab country and unleashed a full-on civil war because, after September 11th, they must do everything they can to defend themselves and Israel against terrorist bombers.

And we're now on a wheel! A wheel greased with oil and leaving a bloody tireprint in its wake as it spins faster, faster, faster. Juggernaut speed!

And the best/worst part is that my vision of horror here is far too simple. The noble gang at Hullaballo have tackled the thornier issues of religious divisions within the Islamic world and, even creepier, the excitement that all this World-War-Three-ness is causing amongst the Rapture set. The smell of blood is making them giddy, either that or they're just thrilled to feel so safe.

Everyone is just so well-defended these days.

Labels: George W Bush

With all due love and respect to Jon Stewart, satire really IS dead:

The Desert Camouflage Hat -- Worn by Our Troops in Iraq!

Exclusive: NewsMax.com is proud to offer the U.S. military’s Desert Camouflage Hat – the same hat worn during Operation Iraqi Freedom by our combat troops and embedded journalists.

Now you can get these rugged military-grade hats for your own pleasure.

Yep, cause that's what it's all about -- pleasure.

The Bell/Globe and Mail/CTV takeover of CHUM Limited -- home of CityTV, MuchMusic, Bravo!, Space and many, many more -- shocked everyone this morning, mostly the nearly-200 employees who showed up to work in cities like Calgary, Winnipeg and Barrie and found themselves locked out. Even the big fish at both networks will see massive changes over the next few months:

- the CBC's George Stroumboulopoulos hosts a support group at the Y --
'Thirtysomething Hipsters Suddenly Working For The Man'

- Gord Martineau rents a DVD of All About Eve; begins hanging around Lloyd Robertson's office

- Ben Mulroney stomps off the set of Canadian Idol after new judge Ed the Sock calls him a "blow-dried pansy"

- Brett Butt thrilled to become the new program director of SexTV, though his request to have the channel renamed after himself is denied

- CTV execs are confused: "We have SIX MuchMusic stations???"

- only Global's smattering of lame US comedies prevents BellGlobeMedia from carrying every current American network show

- Mark Dailey's voice booms from Vancouver to St. John's; wheat farmer in prairies looks up and says, "God?"

- Marilyn Denis becomes the replacement for all four hosts of Canada AM, along with three of the six contributors

- Sandie Rinaldo forced to lug around heavy videocamera; insists that Barbara Frum was never a 'videographer'

- Mike Duffy argues politics with anyone who enters Speaker's Corner

- CTV begins running Baby Blue movies on Fridays, Canada becomes a filthy playground of decadent immorality, with faster broadband from Bell Sympatico

- the new principal of Degrassi High: Terry David Mulligan

- Jeanne Beker now completely unstoppable, her throaty cackle of victory can be heard over Mark Dailey's voice

Labels: Canada

In lieu of actual content (I'll fill you in on what's been going on tomorrow), I thought I'd pass along another YouTube gem. James introduced me to 'Kelly,' the 'star' of this 'music' video that's made me abuse the ironic quotes like never before. It's four minutes of your life you'll never get back again (and watch out for naughty language!) yet you may, like me, somehow find yourself humming the tune days later and thinking...'shoes':

Labels: friends