What's he on about now?

In case the articles, essays and opinions throughtout this site just weren't enough for you, here's my online diary (a.k.a. 'blog'). It's as close as you'll come to the inside of my head, so don't say I didn't warn you
(and remember, you can always e-mail me if you love or loathe anything you're about to read)...


   Thursday, August 31, 2006

   A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

I am not endorsed by The Gap.

I don't particularly like The Gap.

But I DOOOOO like Chris Evans, who starred in the Fantastic 4 movie and thus exhausted the international supply of magazine writers' "hot" puns:



I will NOT buy your T-shirts, Gap! No matter how hard you try! I refuse!

In the ultimate "beyond satire" move, the US Army is now supplying the families of soldiers stationed in Iraq with life-size cardboard cutboards of their missing husbands and fathers. I laugh because I can no longer cry.

Meanwhile, a new study reveals the obvious -- that the CEOs of defense companies are laughing all the way to the bank:

While Army privates died overseas earning $25,000 a year, David Brooks, the disgraced former CEO of body-armor maker DHB, made $192 million in stock sales in 2004.

And yesterday, it all came to a head when Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said that anyone who disagrees with any of this is akin to a Nazi sympathizer.

Keith Olbermann of "Countdown" on MSNBC finally snapped:



While his use of the Neville Chamberlain comparison is a bit awkward (though certainly less so than that Rumsfeld and his ilk), Olbermann's rant is clear and statesmanlike -- and this part sums it all up with beautiful precision:

Had he or his president perhaps proven any of their prior claims of omniscience — about Osama Bin Laden’s plans five years ago, about Saddam Hussein’s weapons four years ago, about Hurricane Katrina’s impact one year ago — we all might be able to swallow hard, and accept their “omniscience” as a bearable, even useful recipe, of fact, plus ego. But, to date, this government has proved little besides its own arrogance, and its own hubris.

Mr. Rumsfeld is also personally confused, morally or intellectually, about his own standing in this matter. From Iraq to Katrina, to the entire “Fog of Fear” which continues to envelop this nation, he, Mr. Bush, Mr. Cheney, and their cronies have — inadvertently or intentionally — profited and benefited, both personally, and politically. And yet he can stand up, in public, and question the morality and the intellect of those of us who dare ask just for the receipt for the Emporer’s New Clothes?

In what country was Mr. Rumsfeld raised? As a child, of whose heroism did he read? On what side of the battle for freedom did he dream one day to fight? With what country has he confused the United States of America?

The confusion we -- as its citizens— must now address, is stark and forbidding. But variations of it have faced our forefathers, when men like Nixon and McCarthy and Curtis LeMay have darkened our skies and obscured our flag. Note -- with hope in your heart — that those earlier Americans always found their way to the light, and we can, too.

The US mid-term elections are in November so, my Yankee friends, it's like the song said: Throw the rascals out!

Finally, US Senator Rick Santorum just comes out and says it:

"We're at war with Islamic fascism...Afghanistan and Iraq and southern Lebanon and every country around the world is a front."

With all the terrorist plots originating out of their country, that clattering sound you hear is all the teacup saucers in the trembling hands of the British. You're next, limeys!

Yesterday, New York Times reporter Adam Nossiter wrote a piece on Hurricane Katrina one year later, and said:

Democrats are seizing this moment of reckoning with something approaching glee, while Republicans are handling it gingerly. For Democrats there are the persistent scenes of destruction and the ongoing misery of lives upended, handy backdrops for criticism of the Bush administration.

Glee.

I can't believe he said "glee."

The disgusting aftermath of Katrina wasn't a "backdrop" for criticizing Bush, it is the reason to criticize Bush. To even suggest that this staggering display of government apathy and neglect for its own citizens could ever be viewed with any sort of pleasure is repulsive. But here, judge for yourself:



Do you feel giddy? Delighted? I don't. And believe me, for printing this wanker's article, I take no pleasure whatsoever in telling the entire New York Times to go fuck themselves.

Labels: George W Bush

Following on from that Net Neutrality post yesterday, here's some more delightful protest music, courtesy of two members of the late, great Squirrel Nut Zippers and Rickie Lee Jones (where's she been?):



As Rickie Lee explains:

At this point, it might be easy for someone like me to say 'why bother? [President Bush] got his two terms (albeit illegally), the damage is done, our economy is wrecked, our ecology is three steps backwards, our domestic policy is "every man for himself," and our foreign policy reads something like "how do say that in English, buster?" Our standing as a military power is forever tainted, and our flag, as a beckon for freedom if only to ourselves, is tattered and sad.'

So why kick them out now? Because, they can still do a lot of damage. Because, they deserve to be expelled. Because, they have committed crimes far more grievous than the last guy, with his 80% approval rating, whom they scalded, bewildered and ultimately defeated with a relentless media campaign. I mean, looking back, it wasn't Clinton who was defeated. It was us, the Americans who elected him, who stood up to the bullies. So they impeached him because we, the people, just wouldn't go along with it. Where is the media now, when there are REAL criminals in office?

Between this, and Neil Young's "Living With War" and Bruce Springsteen's album of Pete Seeger songs, I'm feeling hopeful that the tide has finally turned, that the rabble will be roused come the November elections. You know we've reached that point when even Bob Dylan has a new album out today, with the song "The Levee's Gonna Break" serving as an unfortunate anniversary theme. No one will ever forget September 11, 2001 (or be allowed to) but I'd like to ensure that no one -- at least until November -- forgets August 29, 2005:




It's hurricane season after all and, when you've got criminals in charge, it's like Rickie Lee said -- they can still do a lot of damage.

Labels: George W Bush

People who've become "famous" via the Internet have banded together in support of Net Neutrality. As Save the Internet explains,

Congress is pushing a law that would abandon the Internet's First Amendment -- a principle called Network Neutrality that prevents companies like AT&T, Verizon and Comcast from deciding which Web sites work best for you -- based on what site pays them the most. If the public doesn't speak up now, our elected officials will cave to a multi-million dollar lobbying campaign.

Standing united against the bloodsucking phone companies are three of the Net's most visible (disturbingly visible!) celebrities -- gem sweater queen Leslie Hall, the forever-young Peter Pan and CORE Animation's beloved Tron Guy -- in a campaign called "We Are The Web":



The cause is serious -- the activists anything but -- please, give generously!

My friend Trevor is a big fan of Katherine Hepburn, who famously offered her secret for happiness: "Don't complain, don't explain." A wise lady, certainly wiser than I, who -- as anyone who's read this blog knows -- both complains and explains at great length. It's been definitely better than the Job-worthy stance of silent teeth-clenched endurance I used to adopt, yet clearly leaves much to be desired.

My friend Robert called me a pessimist this week. That label makes me feel, well, hopeless (rather counterproductive, that). Despite a near-complete lack of evidence otherwise, however, I must disagree with him. To me, a pessimist is someone who automatically thinks that, no matter what we do, things will turn out horribly, even when they appear to be going well. I'm actually the opposite -- I believe that, with some good will, communication and effort, things can and will get better, though our present seems bent on making that growth as difficult as possible. It seems to be our perverse gift to allow things to become as fucked up as possible before, at the darkest moment, we collectively band together, rise up and achieve the impossible. It's been this way all throughout history and it's one of the most magical yet most infuriating attributes of humanity. Why can't we go to the dentist before we need the root canal?

My friend Tara's never been like that -- always meeting her frustrating circumstances head on -- so imagine my delight when she announced her engagement this week. I already knew, as her boyfriend e-mailed me a couple months back to tell me his plans and ask me what I thought. Easy answer -- I was thrilled and very proud of him. Tara's last boyfriend had been a class-A cretin so it's been beyond wonderful to see someone as cool as Jay not only recognize just what a fantastic person Tara is but also make his own plans to marry her. She sounded giddy, even as she explained that "yes Scott, you are a pessimist." I tend to play by the rules of other people, which drives her crazy when she sees me twisting myself in knots over the concerns of other people. "But what kind of asshole would I become if I stopped caring about that?" I asked. She just shakes her head, astonished that I would believe in the possibility. She and Jay want me to investigate becoming some kind of deacon or justice of the peace over the next year or two. "We want YOU to marry us," she says. I think she's kidding, then I think she's insane, then I think that this is the loveliest thing anyone has ever said to me.

My friend Darrell will have to advise me -- he's a novelist and preacher's son who grapples with all the big questions and no one I know has done a better job of explaining himself. He had an 'episode' of depression these past couple weeks but, even then, put it into words both wise and wonderful, as he tends to do. I called him up 'round bedtime, we ended up talking too long yet never long enough, and I think we both came out of it feeling better. Untrusting soul that I am, of course, I had to ensure it by kicking my ass over to the post office that day and mailing him a couple mix CDs for him and his daughters. That's right -- bribery -- it works! Of course, by saying so, now I'll have to hurry and mail Tara that DVD I mentioned!

What does all this add up to? I haven't a clue. As I said to Robert, it's not that I'm panicked or in despair, it's just I look around and see everyone struggling -- longer, harder, quieter than I've ever seen before. By any standard -- economic, cultural, environmental, political -- the world feels full of shit these days. It'll reach a crisis point and then, like the brave, brilliant creatures we are, we'll find a way to turn it around, to start fixing, to start healing. But why wait til then? As Mahatma Gandhi said, "Almost everything you will do is meaningless, but it is still important you do it."

When the opportunity to adopt a puppy appeared in front of me late last year, I had every logical reason to say no. I wasn't being a pessimist, it was sheer fact -- I have little time, little money and little support to properly care for such a needy little creature. Her rabies shots and flea treatment this week alone have bankrupted me till next Thursday. But I couldn't say no -- she'd been abandoned twice already at the age of four months and I knew, even at the spur of the moment, that this dog represented the future. It's why people have kids, isn't it? You can't give in to despair because you've got an opportunity to care for something outside of yourself, to put a little happiness into the world. Maybe I personally can't always pull it off the way I'd like but my dog does it beautifully -- she loves and is loved by strangers in the subway, people on the street. I taught her to walk on a leash; she's teaching me to run without one. A little dog and a few good friends are all I've ever needed -- my little flickers of hope.

Labels: friends, introspective, Tegan the Jack Russell Terrorist

Screenwriter John Rogers ("Eureka") blogs once a week or so but, when he clicks, he makes me laugh harder than anyone else. Today he writes, "This is technically child abuse":


John writes:

You know, God bless, and you're certainly free to take advantage of capitalism in ay way you see fit to serve your community. But don't expect not to get made fun of for it.

Yes, this is mean spirited. I am not a nice man. I'd think you'd know that by now.

The most interesting part for me is in the write-up:

"The whole Armor of God Pajama set will help your children to depend on God to protect them from their fears, doubts, and uncertainties at night so their sleep can be restful and peaceful."

...I will say, that fears, doubts and uncertainties at night are a problem, but really more as you hit 40 or so. I'll admit to some late-night panic attacks recently. So if they sold these in adult size, I would buy them.


And then have sex in them.


GAY sex.


I'm not even gay, but I'd feel obligated.

Seriously, now I want the adult ones, and I've probably pissed off the manufacturers, so they won't go for it. Dammit.

To demonstrate his command of the US economy, George Bush hopped on a Harley-Davidson motorcycle this week, adding 'biker' to his long list of photo-op personas:
















It must be exciting for him. At this rate, he's just one feather headdress away from completing the set:



But I'm not picking on America -- far from it. After all, our Boy King loves to play Mr. Dress-Up, too:




These guys love to look like Action Men but, like the plastic army toys, they're just as hollow. Maybe this is why Harper couldn't be bothered to show up at the AIDS Conference ths week -- no one offered him a white lab coat to dress up in.

Labels: Canada, George W Bush, Stephen Harper

I try to keep this blog from turning into The Jon Stewart Love-In Shrine but, when he's been this good this often, it's so hard not to:

Oddly, the Globe and Mail expects people to pay to read Margaret Wente (winner of the prestigious Golden Clam award), but it takes all kinds, I guess. There are people who pay to be whipped and walked on with stiletto heels, too.

Here's the opener of today's column in which Margaret weighs in -- again -- on the International AIDS Conference here in Toronto:

The trouble with Africa

The big AIDS circus is winding up tomorrow, and not a moment too soon. If I have to hear Saint Stephen Lewis hectoring us with his apocalyptic rhetoric one more time, I think I'll choke. Please, sir, can't you take an Ativan? Nor will I miss the ritual denunciations of Stephen Harper. Is it really his duty to show up so that 20,000 people can boo and hiss him? Funnily enough, Jean Chrétien didn't show up at the AIDS-fest in Vancouver a decade ago, either.

And here's me clenching my teeth and writing the editor:

Margaret Wente’s second ill-informed dismissal of the International AIDS
conference (The Trouble With Africa - Aug. 17) attacks “Saint” Stephen
Lewis for “hectoring us with his apocalyptic rhetoric…” Mr. Lewis has
worked on a continent with nearly 25 million people infected with AIDS –
is that number not apocalyptic enough? Ms. Wente’s only contribution to
the discussion involves sealing Canada’s borders and offering women
“education and a reliable microbicide” (what “the big AIDS circus” already
suggested earlier this week).

From her comfortable chair, Wente mocks the “madcap protesters”
criticizing the “evil” Catholic Church who, she counters, “runs something
like a quarter of the AIDS clinics in Africa” where “there is widespread
ignorance about the disease and very little public education about it.”
Given the Church’s refusal to discuss condom usage, Ms. Wente’s clear
inability to put two and two together means that, with relief, I can go
back to ignoring her. She’s tired of Stephen Lewis’ saintliness; I’m
tired of her hatefulness.

Tomorrow: Margaret writes another love letter to her SUV!

Labels: Canada, Stephen Harper, Trawna

I confess I've never been a fan of Japanese culture. I've never been to the country and my only Japanese friend was a self-proclaimed 'banana' so all I've really encountered is the zany kitsch, the perverse comics, the irritating cutesiness, the creepy vending machines and the deeply-disturbed horror movies. In short, I feared the entire culture was insane.

But now I know better -- I've been blaming the victim. A new study shows an alarming rise in the rates of mental illness in Japan -- and it's our fault:

Statistics indicate that 60 per cent of workers suffer from “high anxiety” and that 65 per cent of companies report soaring levels of mental illness...The trend is put down to Japanese companies’ attempts to globalise by adopting working practices more closely in line with US and British models. Larger numbers of temporary staff, a greater willingness to sack people and greater pay disparities are the downside.

A spokesman for the Mental Health Institute said that the emphasis on individual performance was driving Japanese workers — particularly those in their thirties — to mental turmoil. “People tend to be individualised under the new working patterns,” he said. “When people worked in teams they were happier.”

This is especially awkward news when one factors in this trend:

The increasing incidence of breast and colon cancer in Japan following the Westernization of the Japanese diet. The rising consumption of milk and milk products, meat, eggs, oil, and fat that has occurred in Japan since World War II correlates with an increase in the incidences of breast and colon cancer over the past several decades. According to the National Cancer Institute, this increase is “consistent with the Westernization of the Japanese diet during recent decades, particularly with an increased intake of fat.”

And having recently honoured the 61th anniversary of our dropping atomic bombs on Japan, I think one big, massive "gomen nasai" is in order. The mayor of Hiroshima, Tadatoshi Akibi, suggested one way to apologize: "that nuclear arms-possessing nations fulfill their obligation to sincerely carry out negotiations aimed at nuclear disarmament."

Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi agreed, saying, "We will observe the pacifist clause of the constitution, maintain the principle of nuclear nonproliferation and lead international efforts to achieve lasting global peace."

My apologies, Japan -- you may not be so crazy after all.

Labels: insanity, Japan

One of the many reasons I'm glad I'm not Mel Gibson (aside from not being a racist, drunken idiot) is that I haven't pissed off New York filmmakers Steven Santos and Marcos Levy. Their 'counterpoint' is pure gold:

In a report on the London terrorist investigation,

[White House Press Secretary Tony] Snow said Bush first learned in detail about the plot on Friday, and received two detailed briefings on it on Saturday and Sunday, as well as had two conversations about it with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

Reports of an imminent possible attack on American planes -- scary! Kind of like that August 6, 2001 FBI memo, "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in US." He may have dropped the ball by staying on vacation then but that was "a pre 9/11 mindset" as they like to say. Bush now says, "I’m a war president. I make decisions here in the Oval Office in foreign-policy matters with war on my mind." On Saturday, he made his decision and went for a bike ride:



Gosh, that seems familiar. Kind of reminds me of these images from the horrors of last August (the 29 and 30, to be precise):




But it's okay -- we call know Dick Cheney is the real brains of the operation. He swung into action this week with a political conference call:

[A] senior White House official said that the British government had not launched its raid until well after Cheney held a highly unusual conference call with reporters to attack the Democrats as weak against terrorism.

Since they have no control of the White House, Congress, the Senate or even their own "liberal media," it's clearly the Democrats' fault -- just read chairman Howard Dean's cowardly hippie screed yesterday:

As Americans we must be unwavering in our commitment to fighting and winning the war on terror. We need a new direction in our national defense policies that's tough and smart. That means tracking down terrorists and providing our troops and agencies with the tools they need to stop future attacks, implementing the 9/11 Commission recommendations to close the gaps in our security, securing our ports and borders, chemical and nuclear power plants and properly equipping our first responders and our national guard.

It also means we have to be honest about the failures of our current foreign policies, which have let Iraq slip into civil war, enabled Iran to increase its nuclear capabilities, failed to address the growing threat posed by North Korea, and Afghanistan has seen a resurgence of the Taliban. Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda's mastermind, is still on the loose, and the Middle East is deep in crisis.

We must put America's security ahead of politicking and come together as Americans. I urge President Bush, the Commander in Chief, to return to Washington to address the problems we face today.

Sorry, Dean-o, them bike trails are so pretty. Besides, your rant is just more political posturing, not like this week's Republican e-mail from noble American hero Rudy Guiliani:

In the middle of a war on terror, we need to remain focused on furthering Republican ideas more than ever before. We can't turn back now...That's why I am emailing to ask you for a favor: will you click here to make a contribution of $500, $250, $100, $50, $35 or $25 to show your strong commitment to our Party and our principles?

Terrorism as fundraising tool. And we wonder why most sensible people put their fingers in their ears and -- like the President of the most powerful nation on Earth -- sing la-la-la. He sure as hell can't steer his country but at least he can steer his bike.

Labels: George W Bush, Middle East

John Tiernan, political theorist, says

What we now know about the London-based plot to destroy ten civilian airplanes points to six conclusions.

First, what stopped this plot was law enforcement. Law enforcement. Not a military invasion of Pakistan, Iran, Lebanon, Egypt, or Iraq. Old-fashioned surveillance, development of human sources, putting pieces together, and cooperation with foreign police and intelligence services.

Bang on.
And his next five conclusions are equally solid...

Labels: Middle East

When David Tennant replaced Christopher Eccleston as Doctor Who last year, I complained that the new guy had stolen my dress sense. At least I could console myself that, while his Converse sneakers were the classic white, mine were earthy brown.

Today, the BBC released a press release for Season Three and, well, look at his feet! Grrrr.

But with that off my chest, let me now say ask, "How cool does newcomer Freema Agyeman look with Tennant?" They're like a 21-century John Steed and Emma Peel (which is kind of Doctor Who in a nutshell, but still...) and the producers "promise new thrills, new laughs and some terrifying new aliens. The Doctor and Martha are destined to meet William Shakespeare, blood-sucking alien Plasmavores, The Judoon - a clan of galactic stormtroopers - and a sinister intelligence at work in 1930's New York."

Could there be a TV show better than that? Well, yes -- Battlestar Galactica begins its own Season Three in October, following a cliffhanger in which the writers took their own highly-successful format and blew it up:



The US Sci-Fi Channel will debut the new season on October 6th, with Season 2 of Doctor Who premiering the week before. The two shows will run together -- the greatest reason to stay home on Friday nights I've ever seen!

Meanwhile, our pokey CBC will debut Season 2 of Doctor Who on Monday, October 9th (but since they're helping to pay for the show, I'll forgive them). So if you're looking at that photo and wondering where the goodlooking blonde girl went, you obviously didn't download the traumatic second-season finale with Rose Tyler's teary goodbye (watched it with four friends and not a dry eye in the house) but now's your chance!

Okay then, I've geeked out and squealed over my doggy pictures -- back to making fun of hateful warmongers!

Labels: Doctor Who, TV

Uh-oh, it's that time again -- time for me in wallow in baby pictures!



I brought Tegan over to James' one afternoon and they had a wrestle:



Such antics leave her finally exhausted, ready to join my famous Saturday Afternoon Sofa Snooze:




Meanwhile, my friend Neeraj was so inspired by my adoptee that he went and found Rosie -- a bigger, happier, cuter dog. Look at this bitch!



Rosie and Tegan have played together and my heart could almost break from the cuteness. The snarky little Jack Russell has made me insane this past year but I feel like she's been around forever:

Labels: friends, Tegan the Jack Russell Terrorist

After this week's nervewracking paedophile standoff in Saskatchewan (the boys are now safe at home, thanks to police), I was bracing myself for the usual round of "it's the gays' fault" but even cynical little me was blindsided by Renew America's Guy Adams, who accuses us not of molesting children but BABIES:

"The newest thing in Chicago, it's becoming a trend, and you're gonna find this hard to believe...sex with infants...It's not enough that they have...you know when you engage in perversion, and homosexuality is perversion, we don't hate the gays mind you, we don't hate them, we hate what they're doing...pretty soon that perversion is like addiction, it's not enough, so you need to graduate to something else. You need to move on. So now they're having sex with animals, a small group that's getting bigger, sex with infants, sex in the street in Chicago out in the open, it's just getting more and more perverted...[They're] a very angry and violent group when confronted with the truth."

Oh yeah, you insane wingnut? Well at least we don't EAT THEM:

...this time interviewing the head of Marvel Comics, Joe Quesada. Most of Marvel's books this summer are revolving around one storyline, "Civil War," in which the American government's decision to register and control all super-powered people splits that population down the middle:

Peter Parker submits and reveals his identity as Spider-Man, Captain America goes rogue and starts a resistance, Iron Man hunts down his fellow superheroes, and the already-hated X-Men try to stay out of the entire situation, with no luck. It's all very over-the-top enjoyable yet the most politically-intriguing stuff Marvel's done.

"At its core," says Quesada here, "it’s about one very simple idea which is, what’s more important to you -- your civil liberties or your personal safety? I think that’s something that everyone in America is thinking about, especially in this post 9/11 world."

"I’m not thinking about it," Colbert says, "It sounds mentally painful." I just love that guy. Here's the whole clip:

Labels: comic books

From the "You Win Some, You Lose Some" department:

New York City declares a heat emergency.
I nearly faint just walking down to the post office yesterday afternoon.
California's heat kills over a hundred people.

But a brewing company in Greenland has found a bright spot in global warming (which doesn't exist, of course, and is only a liberal myth): the beermakers have created a pale ale and dark ale brewed from melted water from the ice caps. This beer, they say, "has a softer, cleaner taste than other beers, because of the ice cap water," which is "at least 2,000 years old and free of minerals and pollutants."

And to think we worried about the greenhouse effect! Who knows? Maybe if Greenland Brewery gets enough demand for this run-off water beer, the predicted flooding will be minimized. Let's get drinking, people! Al Gore'll buy the first round!