May 25, 2001: A Date Which Will Live In Infamy

Thank god for movie critics. If they didn't exist, then it's entirely possible that the trailer for "Pearl Harbor" that impressed my father and I last fall might have lured one of us to the actual film. Fortunately, the critics have already leaped in front of that bullet -- the movie is apparently dreadful.

One review made the astute observation that it seemed no demographic was spared in the planning of this film. I thought of that comment whenever I would notice any of the fawning TV propaganda for the movie that ceaselessly blared all weekend. I realized that, yes, one can rattle off an impressively cynical checklist:

Men:
It's an action movie! Stuff blows up real good!

Women:
It's a tragic romance! A love triangle like in 'Titanic'!

The young:
War is cool! Stuff blowing up real good makes for tragic romance!
And doesn't Ben Affleck look great in a bomber jacket?

The old:
Where were you on that infamous-but-really-glorious day?
What did you do in the war, Grand-daddy?

History buffs:
Da planes! Da planes! Ignore the plot -- da planes!

Fashion plates:
Kate Beckensale was a model! See her lovely dresses!
And doesn't Ben Affleck look great in a bomber jacket?

Techies:
Check out our state-of-the-art computer graphics!
Stuff blows up real good!

Blacks:
We didn't need to give Cuba Gooding Jr. any billing in the trailer cause he's an ACADEMY-AWARD(tm)-WINNING ACTOR!
What do you mean by 'token', anyway?

Gay men:
"Top Gun" style homoeroticism! Josh Hartnett in a tank-top!
And doesn't Ben Affleck look great in a bomber jacket?

Japanese:
Villains? You? Never! We show how sad you were to bomb us but not how sad you were when we bombed you back!
See, everybody wins!

Germans:
It's not you, just those nasty Nazis!
We even edited the ending for foreign release so you and the Japs...I mean Japanese...don't feel so badly!
Hey, doesn't Ben Affleck look great in a bomber jacket?


This movie will never receive a single penny from me.

At least Salon.com got the headline of the day:
"'Pearl Harbor' breaks no box office records"

Almost as funny as the Onion's "No Jennifer Lopez News Today" but just as gratifying!