Ask Adam and Yves

[An "advice column" from a pair of dreadful queens that fab editor James Fortnum and I had a ball writing as the respective characters. For better or worse, this is probably as good as it got.]

Dear Adam and Yves:

I've been in a monogamous relationship now for about two years and it's on autopilot. The spark has definitely faded. I've been thinking about maybe seeing some other guys or something, but possibly sensing this, at dinner out the other night my boyfriend suddenly asked me if I would move in with him. I'm sort of confused about it, because on one hand I want to explore my options. On the other hand, this guy's apartment is amazing, I mean, already I'm thinking about decorating ideas and the fabulous parties I could host. I would love to live there, just not with him. What do I do?

Signed,
Love the pad, not the lad!


Dear Pad not lad:

A: [rolling eyes] Oh Yves! Just when I think there's a slight hope that gay men might be evolving!...

Y: Yeah, who says gay men are shallow, anyway? Not this guy!!!

A: I'll bet he's a snappy little bitch.

Y: Wow! Where did THAT come from? Oh, the venom!

A: I'll tell you where it came from - Scott Moyle, your friend. He took over our time-share condo and wrecked the damn place partying on our good graces, remember? His eyes were bigger than his bachelor, so to speak. Vicious!

Y: Well, sure, but he did that funny Joan Rivers impression, remember?

A: Oh my sides.

Y: OK, it DID get a bit old after a while. I don't think this guy's a danger to his boyfriend's condo, though, he sounds like a danger to the boyfriend!

A: Sure thing, dear. And you know, I have a feeling he'll be hawking the antiques to pay for his penis pump! You mark my dirty words! Oh I know this type! Needs Grovestand juice in the fridge every morning and tea off the silver at night! Cupcakes for breakfast, cakes for lunch and pie for dinner! Oh!

Y: Your 'Brideshead Revisited' fantasies are bubbling back up, dear. Pace yourself.

A: Oh, sweet, you're right. You know, I just get so frustrated when I see these whipper-snapping young snap queens choosing a Ralph Lauren comforter over the edifying comforts of a man's sturdy tenderness!
[leans over and gives Yves a peck on the cheek]

Y: Does that mean you're taking back the duvet?

A: Not unless you come with it.

Y: Is it Valentine's Day already?! [swoon!]
Wasn't there some letter we were talking about?

A: Ahem. Yes! This young miscreant, I suspect, reminds me of a destructive young man I once knew had idle fantasies of having great wealth - money he'd not have to work for. I think his favorite comment was about an imagined family so rich that it had drapes made by Kim Basinger!
[Adam and Yves cackle]

A&Y: HATE HER!!!

Y: Oh, what a dilemma our young friend has in store: a posh, downtown existence or the freedom to explore his "options".

A: Yes, those 'options!'

Y: Hey, buddy, let's discuss your 'options'...

A. Because there's oh so many.

Y: Let's see what we're starting with...Adam, would you say our little pal is...shallow?

A: Check!

Y: Rather stupid?

A. You bet!

Y. Greedy?

A: Oh my, yes! Obstreporous?

Y: I guess so...

A: Louche?

Y: If you say so...

A: Callow!

Y: It seems the only thing more hateful than his IKEA furniture is his actual personality. Why not apply that thesaurus-mind of yours to what his 'options' might be?

A: The option to be a worthless slut at the Spa on Maitland!

Y: [admiringly] You're so sexy when you're judgmental!!
How about the option to stand alone in a corner at Woody's for over three hours?

A: The option to try and find a boyfriend who won't mistrust you.

Y: [dizzy with lust]
Oh! Oh!

A: The option to get your bottom spanked, you worm!

Y: [barely conscious and sweating]
Yes! Yes! Meaner! Crueler!

A: [not noticing Yves' swoon]
The option to be hooked up with a man that treats you worse than you're treating this partner!

Y: [gasping for breath]
I've never been as turned on as I am right now!

A: The option to be the same unpleasant, acquisitive, unloving and unlovable dried-up old princess you are now, 30 years older!

Y: The option to never spend a real length of time with one incredible person like the mean-spirited, vindictive, scheming, brooding, dark and handsome, HOT SEXY MAN I've got right here! Monogamous for TWO WHOLE YEARS? How did a cheap thing like you ever survive it?

A: Wha...?

Y: [throws arms around Adam, hurling him to the small IKEA sofa]
Oh, Adam, we've NEVER been this monstrous and cruel! TAKE ME!!!!

A: Mind the Rodin, lovie!

[unmentionable noises]

Y: That's right, our letter-writing friend, FIRST you score the love of your life, THEN you can get the posh surroundings!

A: Come here and surround ME, you hot little tamale!

Y: [as IKEA sofa gets a pounding that would destroy more elegant pieces]
We didn't buy this furniture for its looks, you know!!