INTIMACY

I N T I M A C Y

The following is a compilation of articles (mostly in point form) that I have given out to couples over the years as reminders of points covered in counselling or as homework assignments. They are not entirely in random order but neither do they form a completely coherent or exhaustive exploration of this vital area of our lives. In the coming months I will attempt to fill in some of the missing areas, provide clearer connections between the various articles and, at some point, may undertake a complete revamping of this section. However, until then....

Basic Concepts

1. No one's upbringing was perfect.

2. How we were raised, our childhood experiences of life, our own unique biochemistry and the judgments and conclusions we come to about life influence our 1)Personality, 2)relationships with other people and 3)our choice of mate.

3. With remarkable consistency, people choose mates who are: 1) similar enough for them to feel at home together [recreating the problems as well as the strengths of home] and 2) different enough in complimentary ways to create the illusion of wholeness [for example a shy person marries someone who is out going and who breaks the ice for them at social gatherings so that it seems that shyness is no longer a problem]. This constitutes the chemistry of attraction. Couples need to have enough in common for them to be able to bond, but not to be so alike that they feel bored. They need to be different enough for there to be a spark, not so different there is an explosion. In general, the greater the difference between the couple the greater the need for superb communicatiion skills.

4. However an illusion is a falsification of reality and therefore cannot be maintained indefinitely. [Because we have an outgoing mate that doesn't cure the insecurities that underlie shyness. It only masks them. When, inevitably, we get unmasked we tend to blame our mate. After all we married them, in part, because we expected them to make up for this deficit.]

5. Viewed non defensively, our mate provides us with the best opportunities for personal growth--for overcoming the handicaps of our inadequate upbringing and mistaken judgments [see points number 1 and 2 above]. What our partner needs most from us is usually what we are least able to give--but which precisely defines that area where we most need to grow. Strangely, when couples disagree, it is the one who looses the disagreement who benefits the most because they are the only one who, through agreeing to change, has the opportunity to grow. Their partner, through winning, learns nothing and has no opportunity to grow.

6. When we stop blaming our partner and accept responsibility for our own deficits, then change is possible because the person who owns the problem [you, the only person with the power to do anything about the problem] is now engaged in doing something about it.

7. Crucial to this process is an awareness of those dysfunctional judgments that are the erroneous tools we use to understand ourselves and others. These judgments are our childhood wounds actively operating in the here and now. Such forms of twisted thinking as: a) Setting impossible standards, b) Moral Castigation, c) Exaggeration, d) Name Calling, e) Discounting the Positive, f) Fixating on the Worst, G) Invidious Comparison

WHERE TO FOCUS YOUR EFFORTS

1. Emotions are reactions.

2. Emotions are always equal to the sum of their cause.

3. Your social situation + your evaluation of that situation

+ your physical state at the time together determine the

kind of emotion you will have and its intensity.

4. In the same way that getting a different answer to a

mathematical equation (2+2+2=6) requires a change in one

of the factors of the equation (2+3+2=7), so to change how

you feel requires a change in one of the three factors that

produce your emotional reaction.

5. A change in your social situation, or in your evaluation of

that situation or in your physical state will produce a

change in feeling.

6. As Ellis and Beck have clearly demonstrated, there

is not a direct connection between your social

situation and feelings of unhappiness.

7. If you are unhappy, first decide where the problem mainly

resides: in the social, intellectual or physical area. Once you

know the answer to this question, you know where you

would derive the most benefit from the most effort.

8. Your social situation includes everything that isn't you:

your spouse, children, parents, friends, co workers etc.

9. Looking at the social situation, the question to be asked is

Who has the power to do something about this

situation? You may have total, partial, or no power to

produce a change.

10. If you have the power to change the social situation, then

exercising that power is usually the most elegant solution

to the problem.

11. If you have no power then the problem belongs to someone

else and your role is to provide advice and support. Period.

12. If you believe you cannot be happy unless someone else

changes then you are emotionally dependent on that

person for your emotional health. Your emotional health

is now out of your control; a situation dangerous to your

self-esteem.

13. If you are unhappy and have no power to change the

situation, then the focus of your efforts should be directed

toward correcting problems with your evaluations or your

physical state.

14. As we age, human relationships evolve from dependence

to independence to interdependence to reliance.

Dependence is appropriate to childhood, independence to

late teens and early twenties, interdependence to maturity

and reliance to those with physical disabilities and extreme

old age.

15. Where you have partial power to produce a change in a

situation, then the skills of communication and problem

solving, assertiveness, honesty and generosity will serve

you well.

FUNDAMENTALS OF POOR COMMUNICATION

Tools Of The Difficult Person

Poor communication creates an unnecessary barrier between the speaker and the listener and when the speaker and listener are both part of an intimate relationship this can be especially dangerous. Because it tends to foster a defensive posture in the listener, poor communication becomes part of the problem instead of part of the solution. All of the following "tools" are characterized by a lack of respect for the listener. While everyone is capable of using all of these tools, personality variables usually result in individuals restricting their communication to a "pet" few. Which of the following are your "pets"?

1. BLAMING: The listener is always wrong

2. SARCASM: mocking the other

3. LAST WORD-ITIS : always having to get the last word

4. IGNORING: the other's words or posture or presence

5. LECTURING: a non-stop advise giving monologue

6. INSULTING: name-calling, put downs

7: TV AUDIENCE: Providing no input into the discussion but expecting to be entertained

8. IMPLYING: deliberately unclear communication that leaves the impression the listener is at fault

9. WHINING: relentless focus on your own problems

10. DEFENSIVENESS : counter- attacking

11. SHOWING OFF: boasting self focus implying superiority

12. SWEARING: abusive language

13. SCAPEGOATING: shifting responsibility for poor outcomes onto the shoulders of the other

14. "YES-BUT" : a verbal game you win by proving you are hope- less or helpless

15 DENIAL: never accepting responsibility

16. INSINCERE AGREEMENT: agreeing in order to end the discussion with no intention of keeping your word

17. KITCHEN-SINKING: switching to other topics when you start to lose

18. ORDERING: demanding others serve your needs

So what are your thoughts? Leave your ideas on Refreshed Living in our Readers Forum Join the discussion.

(c) BER Fraser msw,rsw. Quote or reprint only with attribution and, if on-line, with approatriate link..

Home Intimacy page 2