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John David Ranney
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When my mother first called to inform me I went into shock. It was very strange. I remember driving home alternatively thinking, I can't believe he did it/I'm not surprised. It's that "not surprised" that leaves me with an unreasonable sense of guilt that nothing can appease. That feeling came later, when the pain of it all really set in. And it still lingers. I can't help but think that maybe there was something I could have done or said. There must be, but I was too wrapped up in my own world to follow through. Besides, no-one expects this to happen, no matter how clear the signs are, and the signs only become clear in retrospect. Nor does anyone really understand what it means, what it does, until it happens.
Rick's death gave me a vehicle for all the pain and anger I ever felt. And it came out in gushes for months afterward: I cried, I vented, I misdirected, I lost myelf. I don't know that I am recovered, only that I manage to function in a world I still consider, and have always considered, a very sad place. There was a point in time, pre-November 5th, that I could accept that. I could live with that awareness. Now it's impossible. I have to try to forget it, to not be aware.
I learned a lot through the grieving process, read lots of books, talked to other survivors, had regular counselling and therapy sessions. It all helps to quell that feeling of lonliness, but doesn't do much to ease the pain. That pain never ceases, it just gets put aside through distraction.
Why?
Everyone who knew Rick remembered him in so many great ways. He was funny, he had a dry wit which could be twisted at times. He was always up, outgoing, alive, getting the most he could out of life. He was a charmer, a doer, an intelligent and creative person. So many great qualities that cause people to ask why. What do you say? Part of answering this question is making the distinction between causes and triggers. Our first reaction is always to list triggers. For example, take the psychotic who kills when a bad driver cuts him off . The bad driver is the trigger, the psychosis is the cause. But we say, "he killed him because he cut him off". Rick may have suffered some sort of psychosis, or psychoses. Certainly by the end of his life he seemed to suffer from a bad case of paranoia, and definately had more anger inside than he could bare. He was voilent and volatile by nature, aggressive and wreckless. He also had a drug and alcohol problem. And in the end there were lots of triggers: a marriage breakup, a lost business, a failed attempt to rebuild, a hang-up, a job that didn't pay well, ect.
When I take it all in it's not hard to understand why he did it. And that's the saddest part of all.
Still it comes like an explosion, and all that roaring pain of the cursed is scattered among us.
Together we may bear it. Alone, we are doomed.