What exactly is the deal with television lately? Lately being since MASH and "All in the Family". What could possibly have gone so wrong that we are left with "Friends" (the ultimate cheese factory), "L'il 'The Rack' Ally", "Drew-boy" and "Sally"the scum-digger. And what would we possibly be doing with our little lives if we didn't have "Oprah " and her experts to guide us in our folly ways.

"We", being the little people that represent the loyal viewership. The peanut gallery, the finger-snackers, the pee-ons.

PEE-ONS: as defined in the Newspeak English Dictionary stands for "P.ersonality E.nhanced E.xperiments - O.n N.umb S.ubjects", but can also be used to describe a mass-consuming worker-drone, office-messenger, attendant, orderly, day-labourer, bullfighter's assistant, or worker held in servitude.

So here we go. Let's start with Saturday, the "unwatchable" day. Wake up to degenerate comic strips for kids. Real wacked out stuff, lots of weapons, bad attitudes and monster killin. It would be nice to get your hands around the neck of some of these comic geniuses. Then watch half-baked kiddie shows on the environment, or while away the day playing mind-numbing games. Sunday, you can flake out and watch some British back-stabbing on Coronation Street for a while. Actually, this is probably the only dose of good acting you'll get all week, sit back and enjoy.

Monday to Friday 9:00 am until 5:pm are hours holy to the stay-at home individual. They are times of emotional upheaval, especially during "As the Stomach Churns" and "Days of Others' Lives ", and lest we forget the Springer show, the only place you can get the low down on the pregnant five year old grandson of that sixty year old lesbian who actually married her son after getting a sex-change. Funny thing about good television is that you get exactly the information that you need and want. How else could you contemplate freely in the privacy of your own home whether your grandson is going to get a sex-change and marry his pregnant son.

For more information on these and other topics like the classic case of a transsexual gnome who accuses his father of having a gay relationship with his best friend after they tied the knot, you can go to the "Sally" show. Her googly eyes will peer at you through those red spectacles, and you will hear her wise words.

Again, ladies and gentlemen, this is the kind of information we cannot afford to do without. It is all a part of growing up as a "decent", interested viewer.

Another thing the average viewer of any age likes, is to watch other people win money... big money! There's something special about the way people empathize with others' good fortune. What kind little hearts we must have, when we show such enthusiasm towards other peoples' winnings. It's almost like we share the same values, as the winners. Hmmm...

Since we're all winners on television, we can then move onto the gun-popping shows starting around 6 o'clock. What are your preferences, ladies and gentlemen? Pop a cop? A hooker? A sleazy gangster? Or do you prefer watching someone peppering innocent bystanders at random. Do you prefer small hand guns, or perhaps the larger caliber shows with auto-weapons and some biggie-size blood spills?

Some viewers are more critical in their viewing habits and prefer the more "clinical" approach to television. For them there are a range of choices. Some like eye-popping surgery sit-coms, you know, the emergency 911 stuff. Preferably there are fatalities in each episode, and not before ample blood-spray effects on the robes of the actor-docs (and lots of crinkly noises from sterilized stuff being unpacked in a panic). Some viewers will choose the blood-spray type shows, as long as there is enough sleaze. Other viewers rest their preferences on more of a game-show, blood-spray gore and head-splitting caliber crime series, mix. Favourite crime series include those profiling the most horrifying mass-murdering sickos ever put on screen. Bravo to everyone.

There is something special about all this graphic violence that we all connect with so deeply. Sure we become nervous when six-year olds are blowing each others heads off and oddly enough we're not sure about why young people handle weapons with such on/off screen professionalism. This, however is hardly a reason to change our tv-use habits.

If all this information becomes too much for any individual, all they have to do is tune out. It's not like your own life is nearly as entertaining. But, while you're twiddling your thumbs tuning out, don't let us hazy-crazy television buffs make you nervous...

We're just having good clean fun!

- LL Reed MD (Avid Ally "The Rack" fan.)