ADVICE FOR LIFE
 

Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
 and some days you're the statue.
 

Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.
 

Always read stuff that will
make you look good
 if you die in the middle of it.
 
 
Cooking lesson #1:
don't fry bacon in the nude.
 

Drive carefully.
 It's not only cars that can be
recalled by their maker.
 

Eat a live toad in the morning
and  nothing worse will happen
to youfor the rest of the day.
 

If life gives you lemons,  
squeeze the juice into a watergun
and shoot other people  in the eyes.
 

If you're not part of the solution,
be part of the problem!
 

If you can't be kind,
 at least have the decency to be vague.
 

If you can't beat your computer at chess,
 try kickboxing.
 

If you lend someone $20,  
and never see that person again,
 it was probably worth it.
 

If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
 try missing a couple of car payments.
 

If you try and don't succeed, cheat.
Repeat until caught.
Then lie.

 
It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
 

Never buy a car you can't push.
 

Never eat yellow snow.
 

Never put both feet in your mouth
at the same time,
 because then you don't have
a leg to stand on.
 

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
 It wastes your time
and annoys the pig.
 

Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.
 
The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.
 

There are very few personal problems
that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives.
 
There are very few problems
that cannot be solved by orders
ending with 'or die.'   


When everything's coming your way,
 you're in the wrong lane.
 

You are what you eat.
 So stay away from the jerk chicken.
 

Be nice to the nerds and geeks
in high school
-- you'll be working for them in the future.