We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work.
here is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases,
here employee involvement
is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late
afternoon -- we will be glad
to allow you to work through
your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided
your share of the work is enough
to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an
excuse. However, we require
at least two weeks notice as
it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being
spent in the rest room.
In the future, we will follow
the practice of going in
alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose
names begin with 'A' will go
from 8:00 to 8:10,
employees whose names
begin with 'B' will go from
8:10 to 8:20 and so on.
If you're unable to go
at your time, it will be
necessary to wait until
the next day when your time
comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees
may swap their time with
a coworker.
This exchange must be
approved by both employee's
supervisors in writing.
In addition, there is now
a strict 3 minute time limit
in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes,
an alarm bell will sound,
the toilet paper roll
will retract,
and the stall door
will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Gross pay - $1222.02
Income Tax - 244.40
Outgo Tax - 45.21
State Tax - 11.61
Interstate Tax- 61.10
County Tax - 6.11
City Tax - 12.22
Rural Tax - 4.44
Back Tax - 1.11
Front Tax - 1.16
Side Tax - 1.61
Up Tax - 2.22
Down Tax - 1.11
Tic-Tacs - 1.98
Thumbtacks - 3.93
Carpet Tacks - 0.98
Stadium Tax - 0.69
Flat Tax - 8.32
Surtax - 3.46
Corporate Tax - 2.60
Parking Fee - 5.00
F.I.C.A. - 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund - 9.95
Life Insurance - 5.85
Health Insurance - 16.23
Dental Insurance - 4.50
Mental Insurance - 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Disability - 2.50
Ability - 0.25
Liability - 3.41
Unreliability - 10.99
Coffee - 6.85
Coffee Cups - 66.51
Floor Rental - 16.85
Chair Rental - .32
Desk Rental - 4.32
Union Dues - 5.85
Union Don'ts - 3.77
Cash Advances - 0.69
Cash Retreats - 121.35
Overtime - 1.26
Undertime - 54.83
Eastern Time - 9.00
Central Time - 8.00
Mountain Time - 7.00
Pacific Time - 6.00
Time Out - 12.21
Oxygen - 10.02
Water - 16.54
Heat - 51.42
Cool Air - 26.83
Hot Air - 20.00
Miscellaneous - 113.29
Sundry - 12.09
Various - 8.01
Take Home Pay: $0000.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.