When I am an Old Man
... I'll wear mixed plaids.
... I'll put my teeth in only when I need them.
... I'll proudly and loudly
produce massive
amounts of phlegm at will.
... I'll drive as slow as I
want ...
I was here first, wasn't I?
... I'll buy my
grandchildren gifts my kids
don't want them to have.
... I'll let waiters and
waitresses really know
how "everything" is tonight.
... I'll wear Vicks
Vap-o-Rub, BenGay,
and that Icy Blue stuff instead of cologne.
... I'll let my gut stick
out. Way, way out ...
who gives a rip anymore?
... I'll darn sure let
people know what I think
about "the crap they're showing
on the TV these days."
... I'll let my
grandchildren get away
with things I used to
punish my children for doing.
... I'll blow my nose as hard and as loud as I want!
... I'll make darn sure I get my "Senior" discount!
... I'll refuse to stand in
long grocery store
lines to pay for a quart of milk
and a box of bran.
If they catch me,
I'll just act senile.
... I'll darn sure let
people know
what I think about "the crap the government
makes us go through just to get
what we have coming to us."
... I'll keep my turn signal
on
as long as I want, dab nabit!
... I'll pass gas whenever
and wherever
I dang well please.
... I'll develop an
addiction to
Milk of Magnesia.
... I'll write long letters
to the editor
about whatever I don't like.
... I'll chug Metamucil like I used to chug beer.
... I'll obsessively make
elaborate contraptions
to keep the dang squirrels off my bird feeders.
... I'll have more hair
growing out of my nose
and ears than on the top of my skull.
... I'll flirt with women
who wouldn't
have gone out with me even
when I was their age.
... I'll brush my eyebrow
hair
up over my bald spot.
... I'll go to them
all-you-can-eat buffet
lunch places and bring a doggy bag with me.
... I'll wear my pants hiked
up around
my armpits or I'll let them ride comfortably
down under my belly.
... I'll blow my social
security money
by buyin' crap from the back of books.
