1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word,
the reason why the human race has not achieved,
and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings".
3. People who want to share their religious
views with you almost never want you
to share yours with them.
4. And when God, who created the entire
universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He WILL NOT use, as His messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle
exhorting you to send money.
6. You should not confuse your career
with your life.
7. No matter what happens,
somebody will find a way to take it
too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad
there is always one individual who perceives
a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often,that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before
you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody
who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe
daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman
that even remotely suggests that you think
she's pregnant unless you can see
an actual baby emerging from her
at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal
about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all
organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you,
but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you, anyway.
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