Finding Faith

It felt good to be out of the cell, but pacing in the small room was getting to me. I looked at myself in the mirror; God, I look so hollow, I thought. Finally I broke down, I needed to know and My revelation started.

"I can’t believe I did it. I can’t believe I turned myself in…But here I am!" It’s the first time I haven’t felt some kind of pressure in a long time. "I feel so lost and alone." And the emptiness I’ve repressed for so long floods to my surface. "Who am I?" "What am I?" "Where do I fit in?" "Where do I belong?"

I try to remember my family but they’re a faint memory. I ask myself, what happened to me? Why did I turn? I remember when I was called. I remember my Watcher, who was friend, mother, protector and savior to me. I watched her die! My head is so filled with random thoughts, mixed emotions and memories that I can’t judge reality from fantasy. I breathe in deep and let out a long sigh; as my breath escapes my confines I feel some of the tension lose its hold. I finally realize that I’ve been talking to myself and I laugh at the absurdity of it. "At least I’m talking," I said. Yeah, I’m talking to myself but its good considering that I’m not a talker I’m a doer. So what the hell, I let her rip!

I’m so getting into this. I can feel every beat of my heart. Who better to talk to than me, Right! "Who am I?" "Well I’m Faith, damn it!" At least that’s what I tell people cause that’s all I really know. I can’t remember having any family, not really.

"I remember waiting to be called. Damn," I swallow back disgust. " Is that all I remember?" I’m at a stand still, so I let my addiction burst forward. "No one has a clue what bothers me, so I’m just going to tell it flat out. What bothers me is that Buffy, precious, holier than God, whiny, little Buffy, doesn’t even know how lucky she is! She still has a family! Me, I was like all the other slayers, taken from my family, kept away from everyone. My only family and friend was my watcher. And She Is Dead!" I scream it loud enough to wake the dead. " KAKISTOS You Hoofed Bastard!!!!" The silence afterward is deafening.

He… He… He bit the flesh off of her, chewed her up and spit her out on top of me while I lay helpless, frozen and beaten on the floor. Flesh fell upon my face. Blood mixed with my tears. Vomit surged from my body. The pain, fear, and lets not forget, guilt stays inside me. I find my voice again. "Yeah, I watched her die. I’m a loser. I’m not innocent." Then my mind flashed backward, the only weapon I had to fight Kakistos with was my swiss army knife.

My laughter echoed in the small room. I yelled out, "I must be crazy!" Laughter shook my body. Standing up I voiced my conclusions out loud. "I am Faith. It’s enough for now. It’s all I’ve got and it’ll have to do"!

I liked what I said, so giving myself a little nod of approval, I decide to continue. "I am Faith the Vampire Slayer. In every generation there is a chosen one and she alone will stand against the darkness." At least I think that’s how it goes. " But it’s wrong! So fucking wrong! Accidents happen and now there’s two." I feel myself getting pissed. I scream at the top of my lungs. " I am not an accident! I was meant to be here! I was chosen! I am important!"

Disgusted with myself, I ask, "Then why the hell did I do it?" I pace a few times. Lean against the wall. Finally, I walk to the mirror and tell myself "I did it because I felt like nothing, I had nothing, but mostly because I let B become my darkness. I let my wants and needs make me crazy. I wanted to love and be loved and all I got was teased, pulled in and rejected." Again I asked myself, "why did you do it?" "Damn it" I cried out. " I did it because I felt I had to. I made Buffy hate me so she’d spend all her time and energy chasing after me. I lost her but at the same time I kept her alive!"

Tears started to overflow my eyes. Choking back the sobs, I called out, " I am Faith, the dark half who made a deal with the devil to keep the one I love from being killed." Tears flowing freely and through cracked voice I say, "she’ll never understand that I gave up my soul just to keep her on this earth."

I slide down the wall, sitting, leaning against it for comfort. Hell, I’ve made it this far, might as well continue. In solemn voice, I ask, "Where do I fit, where do I belong?" My answer is to the point! " Well, being that I have no where to go and the murder thing, I guess I belong right where I’m at!" I’m like a piece of puzzle that doesn’t fit anywhere. But I know that one day my piece will fit.

I get up and start pacing again, pounding fist against hand, adrenaline starting to pump. Getting louder with each strike of fist on hand. "What do I want?" That’s easy. "I want unconditional love, Passion, all the things furthest from me. I want to quit lying! I’ve never done drugs. I never drank much! And all of my sexual encounters, well most of them never happened!" Tears fall again. "I just wanted everyone to stay away from me so that it didn’t hurt when they died, so I wouldn’t feel guilty!"

How could I care so much for my lighter half? I never cared before, how could I care now? Voicing my thoughts, I said. " After all that we’ve done to each other why do I care?" The answer was simple. I pulled my arms around myself, trying to hold myself still. Choking on my tears, it came to me, " I care because I love her more than I love myself. I finally care about someone." I smiled and sank back down to the floor. Tears leaving salt trails down my face. It felt good to get it all out, and I did just that.

On the other side of the two way mirror sat two figures, both crying. He asked her, "Did you know?" "No." she answered. "Would it have made a difference?" She sat there silently crying letting the tears wash over her.

It seemed like I’d been crying for hours so when the door opened I didn’t even care. I was like an open wound for anyone to stick their finger in. I braced myself for the impact; when nothing happened, I looked up into the sorrowful eyes of Angel. He stood there quietly, I waited for whatever omen he came to bear. Finally, he broke the silence.

"We’ve been watching you."

I just sat there, heart in hand, surprised, confused. "We?" I asked. His silence gave it away.

"Buffy." I said below a whisper.

He nodded confirming my worst fears. You know me, just had to be a bad ass. "Well now she knows, she can add something else to her list of things to hate about me! Why did you come here Angel and why the hell is she here?"

"I guess we wanted some answers."

"Did you get any?" I asked flatly.

"We both got more than we bargained for."

I looked at the floor wishing it would cave in and swallow me whole.

An officer came into the room and I eagerly got up, giving my hands to the restraints. No such luck! Kate Lockley came in keeping me from my retreat.

"Sit down Faith….you need to answer some questions." All I knew at the moment was I felt sick.

"Tell me about Allen Finch?" "There’s nothing more to tell." I said softly. "I stabbed him in the heart with a stake, I didn’t mean to, I thought he was a ……"

"What?" Kate replied. "A vampire?"

I looked up. I couldn’t believe it. "Yeah…..I was fighting them, they were jumping out from everywhere, he stepped out, and before I knew it, I staked him, only he didn’t turn to dust."

"Then What?"

I tried to stare a hole in the floor. "One word…DENIAL."

"How did you end up in a coma?"

I gave a long sigh. I could tell that I might as well talk or I’d be here all day. I glanced at Angel, he looked blank as usual.

"I shot Angel with a poison arrow, the only way to save him was the blood of a slayer. So someone came after me and stabbed me to take me back so that Angel could drink me, but I jumped off a roof onto a passing truck so that he couldn’t...you know."

Kate’s mouth hung so far open that I could count every cavity.

Who stabbed you?"

Silence.

"Who stabbed you?" Kate asked with a lot more forcefulness.

Whispering I said "Buffy." Kate flashed a shocked look and choked back laughter.

"Let me get this straight…..Buffy Summers put a twelve inch knife through you, to feed you to a demon?…..Your Human!"

I finally understood why she found it so amusing. I laughed in spite of myself. "Is there anything else you want to know?" Man, she was staring me down. "Yeah Faith, who put you in this position?" Finally, after some serious thought, I stated, "God, government, genetics, fate…could’ve been any or all of em."

The doorway opened up again and Buffy stood there. I noticed she’d been crying. Kate faced her, I could tell she wasn’t the type to keep quiet.

"You’re a piece of work….You want her in jail and you should be living here too!"

Buffy was mad as hell and she let the shit hit the fan. "You don’t know what she did to me. She lied to me, used me, hurt me, my family, my friends, slept with my boyfriend and took my body!"

Kate just shook her head. "Oh I see, so if you betray Buffy, then you must die!"

Then it happened!!!!! Kate turned to me and asked… "Do you want to press charges for attempted murder?"

Holy shit!!!! I don’t know if I said it or if I thought it. I’m guessing both. The shock on my face was enough to make the tough, bitchy exterior of the cop smirk. I looked at Angel, at Buffy and then at Kate. Retake, at Angel, at Buffy, at Kate. Again, Angel, Buffy, Kate. I was amused as hell!

I walked over to Kate, mouthed a thank you, to which she gave a wink. I drew in a deep breath, let it out and with humility told Kate, "It’s in the past, I’m trying to move on and she’s got people to save and all. I really just don’t want to hurt her anymore."

Kate looked at me hard. "Are you sure?" I looked Kate in the eye and nodded . Kate turned and said as she left "You’ve got fifteen minutes."

Buffy walked over to me all cocky and shit. "You forgot about Lester, you know the man you gutted."

Sometimes I really hated her. "I know what I’ve done, you don’t have to keep pointing it out to me. I live with it! And I’ve had about all I’m going to take from you! It’s always your way or hells way….well, I’ve tried both and now I’m doing things my way….and if you don’t like it you can kiss my ass! I don’t need or want…." I stopped and looked at B…" I didn’t mean that, I do need and want you, but you make me lose control!"

Buffy shot back "And Why Is That?"

I looked into those blue/green eyes and with more truth than I’ve ever known stated "Jealousy." "I want everything that you give to others for myself."

Buffy just stood there wide eyed.

"What are you saying, Faith?"

Damn, is she dense? "God Buffy, can’t you take the hint, I get better reception knocking on a brick wall. I’m saying that I wanted you, needed you emotionally and physically, Get It? I was and still am in love with you and I don’t want to be because it hurts to want someone so much and have them not want you back!"

Buffy was shocked. "We were friends Faith."

Anger flooded me. "After homecoming, the bronze and all those other times, it wasn’t enough. I felt like you betrayed me, used me and threw me away."

"Faith, I never said or implied that we’d be more."

"No, Buffy you never said a thing, you only touched me, held me, kissed me and teased me. Why would I ever think it was something more?" "You pulled me in, the problem was that you liked it and it scared you…..I mean how could perfect you, ever love some nobody like me?" "So you dumped me and ran to Angel. Don’t deny it, it happened more than once!"

The guard opened the door and I ran to be cuffed and led out.

"Faith!" Buffy cried. "Can I see you again, soon?"

Walking though the door I turned and said, "Do what makes you feel good."