Untitled i'm losing my sense of time sense of space my hair is tangled falls in odd displaced strands my skin feels oily my scalp itches my clothes dig into every part of me i feel like i'm choking drowning- last night I passed out into a void thinking that somehow that would numb whatever i'm feeling be it love hate pain indifference attempting to create something replace the emotion I would throw away overused words cliched attempting to rid myself of this thing like a wart or a cold or something equally small meaningless yet annoying i can't convince myself that's what you are mislead one suddenly believes in fantasy and happily ever after even knowing all the while it never happens i could wrap myself in sackcloth and cover myself in ashes but no fairy godmother will come to transform me into what you want i could wear leather and have you look at me the way you do so often but it still won't make a difference love isn't any cure for fear or hurt it causes it exacerbates everything from the past digs up long buried hurt and long entombed fears who said the dead don't walk the earth who said there was a hell when living here is quite enough scenes played out over and over in anything open 24 hours god knows we couldn't stay in anyplace that closed before midnight everyone is so tortured involved in their own existential pain no one has time for anyone else's culprit and victim in the same cycle equilibrium shot to hell for some reason turning to the same people be they actually the same or some like package different wrapping all of our ends inevitable slowly moving towards it eyes wide open unable to stop ourselves- I couldn't stop myself. ©1998 - Nicole Toivonen.