01010101 01110000 01010010 01101111 01101111 01110100 ) _ _ _____ ______ _____ _____ _______ ( ) | | |_____] |_____/ | | | | | ( ) |_____| | | \_ |_____| |_____| | ( #8 ) ( 01010101 01110000 01010010 01101111 01101111 01110100 _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ /\______\/\______\/\______\/\______\/\______\/\______\/\______\ \/______/\/______/\/______/\/______/\/______/\/______/\/______/ __ ____ ________ ____ __ /\ \ /\ _`\ /\_____ \ /\ _`\ /\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \L\_\ \/____//'/' \ \ \/\_\ \ \ \ \ \ \ ___________\ \ \L_L //'/' \ \ \/_/_ ____________\ \ \ \ \ \/\__________\\ \ \/, \ //'/'___ \ \ \L\ \/\___________\\ \ \ \ \ \/__________/ \ \____/ /\_______\ \ \____/\/___________/ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/___/ \/_______/ \/___/ \ \ \ \ \_\ \ \_\ \/_/ \/_/ __ ___ __ __ __ __ /\ \ /'___`\ /'__`\ /'__`\ /\ \ /\ \ \ \ \ /\_\ /\ \ /\ \/\ \/\ \/\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/_/// /__\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ // /_\ \\ \ \_\ \ \ \_\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ /\______/ \ \____/\ \____/ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/_____/ \/___/ \/___/ \/_/ \ \ \ \ \_\ \ \_\ \/_/ \/_/ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ _______ /\______\/\______\/\______\/\______\/\______\/\______\/\______\ \/______/\/______/\/______/\/______/\/______/\/______/\/______/ In this issue: 1. I have something to say - Theseus 2. Out with the old... - Theseus 3. I have a problem - Theseus 4. Contact info and the like 覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧 Year 03 Issue 0008 覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧 Somethin' for the kids Ground Zero Communications 覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧 1: I have something to say ---------------- Theseus ----------------------------------- Well, this is the first issue of UpRoot where I give out my identity... or at least my e-mail address, anyway (a name means nothing to you, and everything to "them.") Just where do punctuation marks go WRT things being said in (parantheses) at the end of a sentance (like this)? Anyway... That feels weird, after being so hidden behind a handle for so long in the h/p world, to just do that... but GZC's never done anything illegal (or if the other members have, I had no part and have no knowledge of it) and the worst I've done in this zine is publish a bit about how to make hash, which is more-or-less useless to anyone but a grower anyway, given the quantity of marijuana required, and the internet's got plenty more info like that anyway. The hacker underground, I was both forced out of (the IRC server I used as the basis for most of my activities, thoughts, and work WRT hacking k-lined me for no reason one day, and I was banned for nearly a year) and removed myself from. I left hacking and became interested in spirituality, which I combined with a gradual fade into drug use, the beginnings of which were visible in previous issues - DXM, diphenhydramine, morning glory seeds. DXM was the first drug to link spirituality and drug use for me, and is the reason I stick with psychedelics now. Even for stimulants, I use psychedelic stimulants. Relaxants, I use psychedelic relaxants. Even medicines, I use psychedelic ones, when possible - if my brain is going to be altered, I sure as hell better not be getting stupider, even temporarily. DXM's powerful emotional feelings gave me a strong sense that there was much more out there than I was aware of, living in the suburbs, playing on my computer, an angsty nerd. I'm now at a point where I would, provided I felt willing to open myself up, not hesitate to describe myself as enlightened. Not to say that I'm somehow "done" learning and thinking and pursuing, and I can just sit and smile and glow vaguely around my head. But I get it. Meditation's easy, staying calm is easy, although it's always been - I feel a light sociopathic side to me, many of my emotional reactions are and have always been designed more as a means than as a true thing unto themselves - they can be real reactions, but are almost always reinforced, as a way of conveying a point less by speaking the specific intellectual thoughts I want to get out, but by adjusting the mindset and thought patterns of the other person so that they come up with the idea themselves. Sort of a complicated telepathy, you might say - or you might say that I'm sick and twisted and manipulative. Whatever you want, that's what I do. I expect that when my girlfriend reads this, she won't like to hear that. But it's the truth, and no, it's not a "bad" thing. Our society is obsessed with intellect, and thinking is a great thing, but feeling can be a very powerful very of conveying a message too, provided you're able to do it well. Actually, I was thinking about it while writing the third article in this issue, and I no longer use my emotions like that. I used to, but I'm trying to be much more open and honest, and that sure isn't honest. And that's why I'd call myself enlightened - I don't know HOW to do it, I couldn't tell someone else HOW to do it. You just do it. To teach someone how to do something like that, or to make them understand, say, meditation, I would do something like this: Make a Kava Kava tea Add it to a water-based THC extraction Get them to ingest it, and tell them to just go and do it, and not think too much about it. And I'm sure that would fail totally and completely to do anything but get them buzzed. And that's a shame, but what're you gonna do? DIY enlightenment's the only way to go. Psychedelics are my preferred route, meditation seems to be my girlfriend's preference, though she has problems with it. Maybe you'd rather just sit down and think for a bit. Maybe you'd want to try interpreting dreams, or go a step further to full-on lucid dreams. Maybe you don't seek enlightenment at all - that's really the best way to go about getting it. But make sure you seek, not just hang around with idiots with sportscars and bandannas and athletic outfits. It's 1 AM. Good night, children. 2: Out with the old... ---------------- Theseus ------------------------------- It's been quite a long time since I last wrote these. A guess, based on the "last modified" date my computer gives, is that it's been about a year and a half since I last did any work at all on UpRoot. About the end of summer school last year is when it ended - I went on vacation for a month, smoked a lot of pot in BC, created a fantastic new friendship that ended up as a wonderful relationship with the girl of my dreams, and went through one crazy year of school, growing from quiet to noisy to odd to bizarre to too bizarre, and not really losing any friends, but becoming distanced from not only some but most of them. Also, I became vegan. For a long time, I focussed most of my energies on prohibition, and trying to educate the people around me about why it was wrong on many different levels (economically, philosophically, and crimonologically (?)). But, in a drum store, I picked up a copy of NOW Magazine to read an article on the G8 protest in Genoa, Italy, that left Carlo Giuliani dead after being shot in the face by police. This wasn't the first death at a major protest, there had been 5 that I can count among the last wave of protests, however this was the first death, AFAIK, in a first-world country. If I'm wrong, then it was the first to get international recognition in the media. And it caught my attention. I read up in NOW, then came home and re-read an article about the Prague protests in Anarchy magazine #50. Then to the Internet, where I found it rather hard to find a good central site for information on anarchist issues, unlike the fantastic Smokedot.org for anti-prohibitionist current events and discussion. Finally, I wound up with Indymedia.org for news and Flag.Blackened.net for a ton of information, then explored outwards from there. Tonight, I read an enormous piece of writing on the website Lear's Shadow (I don't want to give a URL, as it's more likely to change than a domain name - use Google.com to search for it) about the killings at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. I responded with a rather long e-mail to the author, and decided afterwards that I needed somewhere to put my thoughts, for when I didn't have people around who had both the mental capacity and time to learn about the issues I wished to discuss. Well, I've always had an available soap box, through GZC. So, the group is essentially defunct now, though I keep in touch with the members I was closest to, the two founders, MMLJ and [dYnamike]. I did the most work with UpRoot, and the others don't care, so it's been transformed from GZC's to mine, and will be moved to my website once I finish up this issue. Also, sorry about last issue being only two articles long - I left it July 22 of last year, it's now July 31 of this year (duh), and I hadn't added to it. I decided to at least go to a new issue before starting it up again, so I put that one to bed. This will remain under the name of Ground Zero, just for the sake of historical interest, and it seems to stupid to have my name in ASCII art at the top of the page. 3: I have a problem ---------------- Theseus ---------------------------- (This was not written in chronological order. I went back and expanded on more than one occasion, and any context of time given only applies to that one section of thought.) I have a problem. My problem is that I do too many drugs. Or rather, that I do them too often. I tell myself that it's a question of the substances themselves, not me, but that's not true. I'm glad I realize that, because if I didn't, I'd be in denial, and we all know what that means (I'll give you a hint: it starts with the letters "A D D I C T I O"). No, I overuse any available substance. I do it with weed - when I have it, it's not uncommon for me to smoke daily, and sometimes all day long if I have nothing else to do. I did it with DXM - me and my friend did DXM every weekend for a period of time, until I had a bad experience with it. I was cooking up some Agent Lemon (my friend named it "Double-O-Lemon" like a brain-damaging James Bond, which I thought was rather clever) and got to the final step, which was to boil the product, sniffing at the steam every once in a while to see whether or not the lighter fluid was gone. Well, he didn't have a pot, only a large frying pan, but I figured that would work better than nothing. It didn't. I ingested it, and I got a lighter fluid aftertaste, but I tried to ignore it. I burped, and it tasted like lighter fluid. Something was definately wrong. I don't remember some of that night, or the order things happen in, but these things I remember: - I was lying on his couch, first shivering, then shivering severely, then actually convulsing. - I vomitted, and started to feel cold again, but sat in front of his floorboard heater, which warmed me up and stopped me from shaking. - I called my girlfriend to tell her that I loved her, though I didn't tell her what was going on until after the fact, because she's a hell of a worrier even without basis. - I diluted myself as much as possible with water, which is what my friend found online (an IRC chatroom just called me a retard, useless bastards). He also found a thing saying to drink milk, but I'm vegan, and didn't want to do that. Eventually I decided I cared a lot more about myself and the people who cared about me than some fucking cow getting her tits sucked by a machine, and I drank a glass of milk, gagging it down and feeling awful. Needless to say, I survived the night intact, but it made me seriously reconsider (A) why I was fucking around with kitchen chemistry using ammonia and lighter fluid, then drinking the result, and (B) why I was fucking around with DXM like that, taking it weekly. So, I've stopped using DXM, and I don't really intend to start again. When I had a large amount of mushrooms, I took them too frequently, though not to the extent of smoking pot and guzzling tussin extracts. My girlfriend pointed this out to me, but I'm not just trying to fix this problem so she'll quit nagging me. I don't know why I do this. But when I stop smoking pot, for a few days after, I crave it. I more than crave it - I seem to have increased headaches, though who knows what that can be attributed to, and I'm not in a very good mood. When I get large quantities of a substance, it doesn't last as it would if I bought them occasionally and used them. I dramatically up my intake, and end up spending quite a bit of money. Well, I want to know why I do this. I want to know why, and I want to try to come up with a way to stop using them this often, without totally stopping. Psychedelics have been a huge part of my development to this point, because if you're stoned a lot, you're thinking a lot, and, while the capabilities for intelligence are a matter of me, the discovery of this was a matter of psychedelics. I don't want to abandon psychedelics entirely, because they can be very helpful tools, emotionally, psychologically, and physically in the case of things like marijuana. ("Things like marijuana" is such an understatement. Nothing's like marijuana, including hash.) So, where am I going with this? Honestly, I don't know yet - that's what this is all about. Enough introduction, here's the scenario: I crushed up a 125 mL jarfull of psilocybian mycellium, combined it with cranberry juice and vitamin C, and shook, filtered, and drank. About a half hour later, I put an amount of ketamine (somewhere between 100 mg and 200 mg) onto an amount of marijuana (0.25 - 0.3 grams) in a pipe, and smoked that partially. For one thing, it fucked my brains out, WRT open eye visual distortions, but I'll have plenty of time to play with visuals another day. Right now, I've got more important things to deal with. --- Yes, it may seem paradoxical, perhaps even hypocritical, and maybe even outright ridiculous, to be ingesting psychoactives to deal with what is, to put it bluntly, psychological addiction to these substances, or something closely related to them (as K is related to DXM, though nowhere near as outright "holy fucklneg shit,man1"). I know this, and I thought this, and yes, I could be doing the exact same thing through meditation. However, let me try to explain this. I once read something along the lines of this: If a monk can reach a state of mind through self-denial for a month, and a yogi can reach the same state of mind through meditating for a week, and a shaman can reach the same state of mine through ingesting a substance immediately, isn't the shaman the smartest? No. Don't worry, I'm not going off on a self-denial "yeah, but meditation's not as good as drugs" thing. I disagree. The yogi is the smartest, at least as applies to my taking on the role of each of these characters, because he provides for himself a safety net. I don't trust myself to continue to think the same way I do at the time I come up with something. The monk is already denying himself a full life through the self-denial without necessity, and the shaman trusts himself greatly. I know myself very well, and I know that I can't trust myself. The yogi doesn't need to trust himself to stay the same, and thus gives himself the room to grow and change. The shaman expects his values to stay the same, not only in the long-term, but also in temporary whims, and the very concept of "whim" as a part of human nature requires self-discipline that I, frankly, do not have. In effect, the shaman is littering the path through life he's chosen with landmines on either side... the path might be great, but if he changes his mind at all, he's got no fuckin' limbs. So, what's up with me taking drugs to solve this, if I trust the yogi's meditation more than the shaman's sacrament use? Because I need to deal with this RIGHT NOW or I fear I might never, or at least not until it's much too late. I don't have the time to do this particular thing with meditation, and quite frankly, I'm not good enough at it to be able to do it in this horrible humidity and heat, constantly renewing my headache. So, I'm going the shaman's route, to get myself away from doing exactly that. If you still don't understand, re-read this section on why I'm using this method. If you STILL don't understand, then talk to me personally, because that's all I'm able to put down now without neglecting more important aspects of why I'm writing this. --- So I was sitting there smoking, and I was thinking that this would make an interesting trip report, and I realized this best way to focus my thoughts on this topic would be to sit down and write them out. And here I am. It's now about an hour and 15 minutes since I ingested the cranberry concoction, and the ketamine has long ago worn off (a quick side note - smoking ketamine makes your tongue numb, makes it feel totally smooth, like kava kava teas and foods do). I may smoke more K, but not quite yet, I want it to fully run its course on my brain. The stimulant from the K is definately wearing off, fading into the relaxed mushroom drawl, and I'm pausing more frequently, as well as not thinking my sentances through fully before typing them out (a result of my fingers gradually catching up with my slowing mind). Enough writing for a moment, I need to sit an think about this, then write to expand on that. For one thing, I intend to not smoke pot during the coming school year, except to relax when I can honestly say there's nothing I could be working on. I'm going to repeat that. I need to be able to not just say that, but to remember it as well, despite the mushroomy cat tranquilizing smoke haze floating around my memory banks right now. So, a list. Maybe. Resolutions, in honour of me and my girlfriend's first year anniversary - she's made such a great person out of me, I more than owe it to her to really try and do this: Resolution - I will not ingest psychoactive substances unless I can honestly say that either (A) they will help me do whatever I'm doing better*** (hashish has a fantastic effect on my ability to play the drums) or (B) I have nothing else that I could be doing that's more productive - practicing on the drums, reading something, writing something, doing homework, etc. *** Also, if I don't have the time for fucking up and redoing, this is out. If I'm doing homework that's due tomorrow, and I decide smoking pot might help my creativity, too bad. If the pot just distracts me, then my homework doesn't get done, or doesn't get done well, and I'm fucked. If it's due next week, hey, go for it, see if it helps. --- I'm going to have a bit more ketamine (it's two hours since first ingesting the juice) I think I just got to the first layer of my problem, and I can feel another idea building. I'll jot them down so I don't forget. --- The K hit me like a heavy boot coming down from above. It crushes you down, then releases, and you expect to be okay, but you're not, you stay all mangled. Every time I look at the keyboard, I fall over - a bit more than I meant to smoke. I'm gonna eat a tangerine and relax for a moment, until I'm able to claw my way back from the edge of the K-hole. Sorry, kids. Well, a quick intermission. A half-time show, if you will. Halfway between not the length of the article, but the importance of the two parts. A "The killer is.... SNAP CRACKLE POP KELLOGGS RICE CRISPIES" commercial break for me, so I can relax a little, enjoy this K somewhat (Out comes Matthew Good Band, in goes Massive Attack) and get ready for typing out the next bit. Mmm, Blue Lines... flashbacks to my first DXM trip, and my first discovery of what doing drugs truly meant. That's in UpRoot #5, BTW. --- Okay, enough stalling. Here's what I've uncovered: I don't have time to smoke, but I do anyway. I feel like I've always got lots of free time, and I fill it with psychedelics, but I don't - I have this free time by neglecting other things I should be doing, some as minor as practicing drumming and some as major as exercise, which isn't really "free" time, more stolen time, and it'll end up coming back on me in a bad way. Problem number two: I don't think ahead enough. I need to make sure that I'm able to establish a life for myself that works the way I want it to, and that means being able to support myself and others that I need to. I'm an anarcho-socialist, and I hate the idea of working for a capitalist economy, but as far as I can tell, it's the only option I really have while we remain a state, because I don't want to live in a city, and money, resources, and co-operation are harder to come by outside cities. There. I'm done. I just tested it out accidentally - I thought "Hey, I should snort the rest of the K I have," then I thought, wait, is there something else I should be doing? Hurray! That's a lot easier to deal with than just a vague "Hmm, should I?" because that makes it easy to establish myself in that position, and then just ignore any ideas of why I shouldn't when they come along. Once I have definate, established, important reasons for not doing something, I have no problem not doing it. Case in point, my being vegan. The self-deprivation I got from having to cut myself off from meat, dairy, almost all candy due to the sugar, egg, etc, was FUN. And I felt, and still feel, great about it, because I know it's the right thing to do. I should be able to do the same thing here. Also, I'm going to start working on meditation, right after I start practicing the drums, given that these are both things I can come up with to stop me from doing drugs. The End. A quick footnote: Immediately after ingesting the cranberry juice, I felt slightly buzzed, and I thought "wow, can it be that fast?" - I get the same feeling whenever I swallow a dexedrine pill, or take some acid, or mushrooms, or DXM, or whatever where I have to wait a while for it to kick in. It's really just the buzz off the excitement from anticipating the experience. However, this was more than that giddy nervousness. This was a definate altered buzz, stronger than something that mundane. And I realized why about 2/3 through writing this. Before and after drinking the cranberry juice, I was licking up a powder that was the evaporated remains of a very good hot sauce. The buzz was the endorphins rushing in, not the psilocybin. 4: Contact Info ---------- E-mailing orbitz@mail.igormud.org ought to work. If it doesn't, ask the person you got this from if they know me, or know someone who knows me, etc. -------------------------- Copyright (C) 2001 Mother told me to be something, so I'm afraid. (Matthew Good) If you have a legal issue with me, please contact me at orbitz@mail.igormud.org All Ground Zero Publications are meant for educational purposes, and only educational purposes. We do not officially condone nor support illegal activity of any kind, nor do we encourage that you follow any ideas presented in these files. If you do, it's your own damn fault. This file is free; you can redistribute it and/or modify it provided you clearly mark any and all changes made to the file, and leave the file in its entirety, marking any removed sections. You must be able to provide an original, unedited copy of this file on anyone's request, within two years of original publication. Any authors other than myself may not agree with or condone what I say, think, or do, and should not be judged based on me or my actions.