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RULES FOR MAKING A HINDI FILM

  1. The number of heroes should be equal to the number of heroines. If not, the excess heroes/heroines will:
    • Die
    • Join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie
  2. If there are two heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 20 minutes (10 if they are brothers)
  3. Any court scene should have the dialogue "Objection me lord". If the hero or his lawyer says it, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled
  4. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, the villain will rape her within the first 30 minutes, and commit suicide
  5. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot
  6. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
    • Miss
    • Run out of bullets
  7. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 1)
  8. Any fight sequence should take place in the vicinity of a stack of
    • Pots
    • Barrels
    • Glass bottles
  9. Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by
    • The brothers
    • Their blind mother
  10. Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in three categories:
    • Scrupulously honest such as the hero's father, probably killed by the villian before the titles
    • Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in rule), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte” only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero
    • The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax
  11. There are only two classes in society. 1) Very rich and 2) Very poor. There is no middle class
  12. All cities are located near a mountain or at least a hill to facilitate chasing of cars on dangerous tracks
  13. All heroes have a training in martial arts and driving all kinds of vehicles (including horses)
  14. To make hero's task easier, the villian's men generally approach him one by one
  15. If hero is being chased by villian(s) on foot, a bridge should be very near to the place with either a deep river underneath a railway line (with a train moving on it)
  16. Empty wine bottles are always within a hand's reach to be broken and used for assault by the villain
  17. No known hero has ever got hit by such a bottle
  18. Towards the end of a fight when the hero has almost over-powered the Main villian, the sub-villian always finds the heroine or hero's mother handy to hold her at gunpoint
  19. Children and animals are generally found to be useful in such situations
  20. Bullet ridden people always live to reveal incomplete identity of their murderer
  21. If one car is chasing the other, one of them definitely come across a hand-cart containing fruits (generally watermelons)
  22. The hero has either his mother or father alive (or none of them - never both)
  23. Young hero with old Amma as his mother is not actually her son but is the abandoned son of some zamindar or daku or a wealthy person
  24. If two heroes are brothers, one is bound to be a criminal and the other a lawyer or police inspector. Generally the younger one stands a better chance of becoming an educated fellow because the elder one has entered the world of crime to provide for his school/college fees
  25. If a boy and girl are shown to meet in childhood, they meet again only after 12 years (mind well only one of them remembers)
  26. If heroine's parents are going for an arranged marriage, the boy selected, in 90% cases, is the villian
  27. All honest factory owners have corrupt managers
  28. All building contractors are lusty and have an eye for the heroine
  29. Heroes generally approach temples at night when there is a heavy thunderstorm
  30. If a hero is following heroine whose train has just left platform, by every chance, the heroine is standing behind him with her luggage
  31. Heroines are generally found mopping floors when their fathers come to meet them in their "sasural"
  32. Towards the end of movie, actors come to realize their mistakes made in life in groups of 3-4 ("Nahi Maaji galti meri hi thi...)

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