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INDIAN ENGLISH

Indians took to the English language as readily as the British drained India's riches. The tongue twisting pronunciations of various native languages mingled with English creating new phonetic possibilities, while the natural lawlessness of Indians opened new frontiers in syntax.

As English spread, even those Indians, with only a distant familiarity to the language, started using it with ease and innovation.

It is said that the future homeland of English is India. Fasten your seat belts:

PROFESSIONAL HAZARDS

A young executive broke wind loudly while making an important presentation. Overcome with embarrassment he stuttered: “Sorry, it was a slip of the tongue"

A New Delhi pediatrician advertises himself as a “Specialist for the decease of children”. He religiously prescribes “one tablet a day till passing away” to his patients.

An enthusiastic officer from the department of agriculture was escorting a visiting foreign dignitary on a tour of the countryside. The young man went on endlessly about plans, projects, hydroelectric power, afforestation, compost pits, etc. The bored visitor to show some interest pointed to a clump of eucalyptus trees and asked, “Are they indigenous?”

“Oh yes, Sir, they are very indigenous,” replied the agriculture expert. “We got them from Australia”.

A private secretary of a Governor accompanied him to a party but refused to help himself to some food. “Not yet,” he said, "I’ll eat only after the Governor has passed away”.

After the Governor passed away he did eat but refused desert. “No, thank you! I am quite fed up”, he told his hosts.

A telephone operator checking line after a complaint;

“Is that too, jeero, too, phor, phipe, eight?”
“It is, madam,
“I am tasting you, sir”,
You like my taste?”
“Hokay”.

A semi-literate but rich business man intending to make a bequest to a co-educational institution. But he was successfully dissuaded from doing so by one who wanted the money for his own boys school.

“Do you know that in the co-ed school boys and girls share the same curriculum?” he asked the donor. "Moreover they matriculate together." To drive the point home, he added: "And worse than that they spend most of their time in Seminars."

The conservative good soul never made the bequest.

GRACEFUL SOCIAL OCCASIONS

A young Punjabi couple threw a house-warming party. They had spent a lot of money on the drive-in flanked by beds of roses. There was apparently an even larger spread of lawns and flower beds in the rear of the house. A guest complimented the hostess on the house:

“What a beautiful frontage you have, Mrs. Singh!”

“Oh, thank you, thank you," she gushed, "but you have not seen my backside yet. It’s much prettier than my front”.

Encouraged the guest further complimented her ultra thin sari. "And what a beautiful sari you are wearing” he said.

“Oh this is very maamooli (common place); I just wear it for street walking.”

ETHNIC WATERMARKS

Kannadigas pronounce 'M' as 'Yum'. So, how would they spell Mississippi. A friend volunteered: "First comes yumm. Then I come. Then my sissi. The I peepee. Then I come again."

The Bengalis pronounce 'A' as 'O'. A Sardarji, newly arrived in Calcutta, was invited by his Bengali neighbor to what he thought was to be a bhojan (meal). He ate nothing all day, so he could do justice to rice, fish curry and rosogollas. He arrived at the appointed time and was regaled with a feast of hymn signing – bhajan!

Punjabis say laiyyer for leisure, playyer for pleasure and maiyyur for measure.

There was this Punjabi minister who on the eve of his good will mission to Birmingham, was advised by his Tamilian secretary: “Sarr, be careful with your pronunciation of English words. “Don’t say diviyun, it is division, not Tallyviyyun, it is television, not maiyyr it is measure”. And so on.

The minister made careful note of these tricky words. On arrival at Birmingham airport he was welcomed by the Lord Mayor of the city. The Punjabi minister, extending his hand, said, “How nice to meet you, Lord Measure!”

Diaspora not spared.

An Indian who made a vast fortune abroad was anxious to return home quietly lest his grasping relatives stake their claims to his wealth.

A press reporter asked him as he was about to embark on his homeward flight; "Sir, are you going back incognito?"
"No", replied the rich yokel, "I am going back by Air India".

Ramprasad Laxmanprasad emigrating to Europe by ship happened to share the table with a Frenchman. As they met for the repast the French man bowed and wished him bon appetit.

Ramprasad Laxmanprasad, believing the other man was introducing himself responded, “Ramprasad Laxmanprasad”. So it went on at every meal till a friend told Ramprasad Laxmanprasad what bon appetit meant.

The next time he encountered the Frenchman, Ramprasad Laxmanprasad bowed and said bon appetit. The Frenchman responded,”Ramprasad Laxmanprasad”.

Two Indian friends had settled in England. One had been living there for some years and had caught on the some of their odd euphemisms. The other, a recent settle, was as yet unaware of them. They were invited for dinner by their English friends. After they had their drinks, their hostess asked them, “Would you like a wash before I serve dinner?” The knowledgeable one replied, “No thanks.” The new settler replied, “I washed my hands before I came.”

On their way back after dinner the older settler admonished his friend. “My dear chap, in England ‘would you like a wash’ does not mean ‘would you like to wash your hands.’ It is a polite way of asking would you like to urinate?” The new settler made a mental note of it.

Some days later when he ws invited by another English friend and after he had his drinks he was asked by his hostess: “Would you like a wash before I serve dinner?” He replied promptly, “No, thank you madam. I washed against a tree before coming to your house.”

Apparently President Zail Singh was operated on the same Texan hospital as his predecessor Sanjeeva Reddy. When taken to the operating theater, the chief surgeon asked him: "Are you ready?’

“No I am not Reddy”, came the response., “I am Zail Singh”.

A Hindi professor, who always spoke in English, has these three jokes to his credit:

He once told a student who was going abroad: “Do in Rome as Romeos do”

He frequently complained that his car was standing under the tree as he could not find parking space.

In his farewell party he thanked the organizers: “Thank you very much for all your hostility (hospitality). ”

A minister once reportedly told Indian chess legend Vishwanathan Anand that he had immortalized India. The minister certainly immortalized himself.

OUR FAVORITES...

And lets not forget these common ones:

I talk, he talk, why do you beech beech talk? (beech, beech = middle, middle)
Why are you naat fill upping the blanks? (filling up the blanks)
Do not smoke and spoil the botany of our body
Don't talk like that in front of my back
Dont stand in front of my back
Sign in a Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A
Repeat again please!
Mistake became wrong!
Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?
Pliss, close the fan!
An instructor explaining the working of pendulum: "Take an elephant of negligible weight"
Heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating
It's so hot! Please on the fan now
Pune'ites, and Bombay'ites will understand this - "This is not 'parvadable'"!!!
"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)
Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)
Who took out the breeze of my cykill?
My cykill is understanding the tree

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