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a personal narrative |
With some pride and sense of accomplishment, I'd like to claim membership in "the three score and ten" fraternity. I was born on February 22nd, 1935. I'm healthy, comfortable, occasionally happy, married to a loving woman, have good friends. Yet, I long for some noble deed that would fulfill my life and be a fitting climax for a life well lived. Ultimately what interests me the most is this unmapped territory that I am currently traveling through: old age.
You are cordially invited to travel with me and to share your insights and comments with me.
Please send comments to thepilgrim@look.ca
When did it happen?
January 4, 2008
It wasn't when my body began to feel like an old car that wouldn't start, that needed frequent tune-ups and a new paint job. It was when I began to lose interest in life. The usual stuff - going out to movies, parties, books, even the morning newspaper - began to pale. Such things just didn't interest me anymore. One day I realized that I was no longer in the game.
I needed to find a new game, something beyond the stuff that I had spent me life doing. The problem was what. And one other thing that I was aware of. I wasn't sure I had enough gas in my tank.
One day sitting in the sun (it's a thing old men do), I concluded that I had moved into a place that I had never been before, a place frightening and challenging. I was old. So what did that mean? I decided I should get about redefining myself and see what was possible.
More than anything I realized I needed to bring forward every bit of creative energy and imaginative planning I could muster to make this time of life the pinnacle of my time on earth.
I find myself excited at the prospect.
My romp
I know what I am about. Moving out of the world of work, stuff, day-to-day routine, I seek to enter another dimension that is larger than the human dimension. I can sense its reality in my longing for something more that will fulfill my life. There is a deep and personal intimation that it is possible for me to step into this realm. What it is is yet to be revealed.
I confess my “patron saint” is that odd duck who heads off to jousts at windmills. It is Don Quixote de la Mancha, the hero of Cervante’s masterpiece of the same name. The old man, tired of his weary life living cocooned in the care of a patronizing niece, runs off and declares himself a Knight Errant forsakes reality and rides off into a fantasy world that is far larger and wonderful a place that the dusty room he has been given by his niece’s husband. And so begins one of the endearing romps in all of Western literature. I want such a romp. And if the price is to let go of reality well then no great loss.
Quixote Realm
This Quixotic realm whether it is real or imaginary does not matter. It is where I am taking mysell. It will not be the place where a Knight Errant rights wrongs and finds his true love. It will be a spiritual realm. A world where I become a Lover. One who is able to love the world as it is. One who can love everyone he meets, and bless all whom he encounters. Let it be duly stated that this is not of this world, but at the same time, not totally illusionary.
This other dimension does seem real and at this time in my life relevant. Beyond the tyranny of instinctual and cultural demands, I can give my attention to this realm. Letting the longing for this world, entering this promise, this wish for what might be, I let this new life have its way with me. Learning how to love the world, the people in it, learning about the essence of this larger, cosmic love, how to bring it into consciousness, to experience it, to sent it out to others. This is what I am about.
Night Truth
June 30, 2008
Two am - I lie here in bed looking up at the darkened ceiling. The night truth is simple. The world is dark; my soul is dead
Search as I may, I find myself an old animal who has lost interest in the world. Tonight there is nothing that can be seen of any larger, unseen realm within or without. Any reach of reason, any leap of longing are but fantasies, desperate attempts of a man who has given up on such speculation. The limits of my truth are simple. I'm old, world weary, and gripped by a reality that offers only the cold comfort of what seems like reality.
How I arrived at this hapless junction, seems to me, has been the result of a life of honesty and integrity. Would that I had been content within the rich fabric of my old beliefs of god and heaven. Would that the cruel eye of my questing mind had kept from me the limits of my being, Would that life had not teased me with my expectation of what I imagined was possible for one such as I
Do I wait until some untoward event returns me to a happier more optimist view of myself and the world? Can I by force of will, some intent to get on with my life, torque my being into another dimension?
Self Pity and other constructs
July 2, 2008
Searching always for the truth. The truth of what my life has been about, where I am at this moment, what might yet come to pass. I force myself to be someone or to do something greater than I am capable of. This seems to be my driving force. At the same time, age, body, mind seem to be saying that I am old, more frail that I like to admit.
The one thing I seem not to have lost is the ability to rant on about my miserable state. In retrospect, I see the whole arc of my life reflecting my odd, limited and very ordinary upbringing and place in the world. This is not a happy revelation.
I would dearly love to have these pages sing with courage and inspiration and insight into the deep inner divinity of my being. However, one of the mysteries of my life is why after what I thought was a lifetime of spiritual honesty and searching, I am left with the humble truth that I am a animal entity capable of great longing and more than a little self delusion.
God, how I revel in self pity - all in the name of honesty, self awareness and truth. Time to leave such limiting truth telling behind and take a leap into what lies beyond, the world of impossible dreams. But how?
I apologize
July 4, 2008
I had expected this narrative to be a rich inspiring look into my life as I entered my seventieth decades. Instead I find myself inflicting on you a depressing and weary series of reflections on my uninteresting and morbid life. I apologize.
And you? Who might you be? Someone to whom I might want to reveal myself. More than likely someone whom I want to impress. Whoever you are I ask that you stay with me. I could use a little company right now.
My latter years have put the lie to the optimism of my youth and young adulthood. I see others around me who see themselves as successful, happy people getting on with their lives. I'm envious. Could I awaken one morning to a difference sense of myself and the world? This would be my most fervent wish.
My old age these days is not much fun. I can't seem to focus on anything other than my unhappiness. This despite the reality of all the things that life has to offer. What would take this unhappiness away? Winning the lottery? Having my writing acclaimed? It seems that it would take something more. Something I am not yet aware of. A rich joyful surprise. I believe this to be a real possibility.
Lazarus
September 10th, 2008
Like Lazarus, returned from the dead, I find myself back in life. The saviour who did the deed of returning me to life was a multitude of friends, who for reasons I cannot grasp, spoke of their love for me. And so yesterday it came to pass. In answer to an unspoken prayer, I found myself washed with affection and penetrated with love.... from friends It is like I have been have been returned to life. I didn’t know such a thing would be so easy or so simply.
Still don’t know what this thing called love is, but I sure know how it has changed things for me. I have at least for this day experienced the power of this mysterious thing called love.
Yet not the first time that I have encountered what I need to define as cosmic love which is in my mind different than romantic or parental love. These forces which seem more within the human capacity to connect or bond with another person, or being, or thing. My experience with this kind of love came about rather accidentally. I found myself alone in the house for an extended period without phone, television or internet. What occurred has lauched me into an exploration of what I refer to as a love energy.
All ot this happened a year ago, the specifics of which can be found at Love-Dust. Very briefly, I found I could generate in my heart an energy that could be extended out to the world. Perhaps it is the opening of the heart charkra, or some such esoteric opening. For me it seemed like this loving heart was simply an expansion of humanity's ever evolving capacity. This experience I see now was but the next step in my life which by intent or DNA or design has been an underlying theme of my life. As well I need to add as has been a tendency or a predisposition to disappointment and a sense of failure and more than the occasional bout of good old fashion depression.
Dollop of Love
July 15, 2008
And so I decided to go further into this world of Love-Dust. What I required of myself is that I leave behind as I go further into this magical land is all that is reasonable and rational. My mind says that conjuring up a love energy and pouring it out like a gusher of water was the stuff of fantasy. And yet I find myself clinging to that wonderful image of my youth when I was cocooned in a religious faith. The Catholic icon of the Sacred Heart of Jesus standing pouring out love to the world. In some inflated way I thought I might be able to do something similar.Both reason and experience show me what I can expect as I go further into this territory. Will I become some sort of religious nut, some religious version of a Don Quixote. I'm too long in the tooth for such nonsence. But what I don't know is what is if I decide to go beyond the rational and take leave of my senses. What world can I conjure up that would put the lie to the truth of my mind. This is what I would like to explore.
Can I let myself walk the world seeing myself as