"Hedonics" Catalogue

by Anonymous

This came with the Saturday paper this week. It's a catalogue of gift items for the idle rich who make up, in theory anyway, the reading audience of this newspaper which I occasionally read, when I read one. The delights of this catalogue are twofold:

(1) Many of the items for sale are jaw-droppingly expensive and useless, and possibly indicative of an empire in a state of advanced decay verging on collapse.

(2) The copywriter is obviously aware of this. At certain points in the catalogue, the copywriter is obviously sitting up at three o'clock in the morning, bleary-eyed and drunk, and deeply melancholy about his or her job and the state of the world. The copywriter obviously thinks that nobody will be reading these product descriptions too closely anyway. Although I am happily married, I love the copywriter very much.

Some quotes:

"Never struggle with pillows again" - this is accompanied by a picture of a blonde woman in a bathrobe and huge dangly earrings, propped up on a sort of elaborate bolster cushion and grinning maniacally as she reads what appears to be a wallpaper book.

"[Spray-on disinfectant] dries on contact after instantly killing 99.9% of the dangerous bacteria and germs found on everyday items causing infections at an alarming rate around the world." - alarming! My goodness! [In fact, I have personal reasons for finding this entertaining; while I was in Turkey, making semi-regular death-defying eight-hour bus commutes between Istanbul and Izmir, I once got crammed in next to an uptight, bleached-blonde, heavily-lacquered Turkish businesswoman who, whenever I accidentally brushed against one of her possessions, would whip out a little can of spray disinfectant and spritz around with it, with a little 'ewwww, yuck' grimace on her face. (I would like to make it clear, here, that the problem was her, not me; I'm not a particularly dirty person). So when we made a pit stop at a roadhouse at 3am I knocked her little travel pillow on the floor and kicked it around a bit when she wasn't looking. I now realize, having read this catalogue entry, that I was in the wrong - I should have been more sensitive to the alarm that the civilized person feels at the bacteria and germs causing infections around the world. Ma'am, if you're reading this, hasiktir! (That's kind of like saying "I'm sorry", in Turkish.)]

"Warn your Visitors to Beware of the Guard Frog!

"Greet your visitors and amuse your friends with a highly unusual green sentry guard. This authentically detailed frog is much more than he seems. Equipped with a passive infrared motion detector, your guard frog "Ribbits" an automatic greeting to whomever approaches. Set him up on your lawn, porch or walk-way...or surround the house with Guard Frogs!" - 'surround the house with Guard Frogs! What the hell do I care? Surround the house with your fucking Guard Frogs, it won't change a thing, the end is nigh...' Ahh, copywriter, I love you! In a pure, platonic way, I mean.

Dear reader, you have probably seen the movie, 'Six Degrees of Separation', featuring Will Smith and Stockard Channing and was that Anthony Michael Hall? in which the intriguing notion is put forth that everybody knows someone who knows someone who knows everybody else, such that if you could just find the right six people you could have lunch with Bob Dylan or just anybody, anybody at all. If any of you are the right six people, and can put me in touch with this copywriter, oh I don't really want to meet him or her, just send them a Valentine next year... so if you have a lead, and can get me their home address, I will reward you in some way. Perhaps I will buy you a "LifeHammer" - "Free yourself and your family with LifeHammer...it's a must with European motorists." Yes, I think I could do that.