Weird Movie Script

by Creepy Old Man

I mentioned a while ago that I read Syd Field's screenwriting classic "Screenplay" because I was applying for this job copyediting a movie script, but that the guy never called me back. Well, update: he called back, and by quoting him a ridiculously tiny hourly rate, I got the job. Hurray!

Sounds great, you say. What's the catch?

Well. The catch was that the guy wouldn't let the disk with the script on it out of his sight, so I had to edit the whole thing sitting in the office of his apartment building, with him hanging over my right shoulder the whole time and occasionally reaching forward to poke the screen and say, "Now, what are you doing there?" and "What's that?"

I signed a form promising that I would not disclose any details of the plot, so I'll limit myself to a few incidentals which will help to communicate a whiff of the essence of the script.

Incidental #1: Putting Things Into Bottoms Motif:

Sometimes when an artist has something important to say, he or she will introduce what we in literary circles like to call a "recurring image" into the plot. Creepy Old Man makes good use of this device in his movie script. Here, the central idea upon which all of the characters fixate at one time or another is that of putting something into the bottom of another person or animal. Please note that the film is not pornographic. We never actually see anything being put into a bottom, although we come pretty darn close once. It's more of a metaphor type of thing.

Incidental #2: Laffs

There are many humorous incidents scattered throughout the film. Many of them rely on the time- honoured device of pointing out the comical foibles of the different non-white and non-English-speaking people of this world. At one point, this humorous device is, in fact, central to the plot. I can't tell you more than that.

In case you're wondering, yes, I queried all of this. All of this and much, much, more. I queried and queried. "Some people might find your use of the word [insert racial slur or "ass" reference] here inappropriate/overdone," I said. "No, I really would like to change that," I said. "It's offensive/repetitive," I said. "But...but...," I said. "Oh, alright," I said. Tip for prospective editors: This is why it's better to edit things when the author is NOT sitting immediately behind you and slightly to your right.

You are welcome.