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Warning to
Tourists Visiting Canada
Issued by the Saskatchewan Tourism Bureau to all visiting citizens of the U.S., other provinces, territories and holdings. In order for your visit to our province to be pleasant, safe and uneventful (yes, we like it that way) please read and adhere to the following guidelines:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at a small town cafe. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Climax, Love, Prince Albert or Pilot Butte) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda. Up here it's called Pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage, are literate, educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
5) Don't laugh at the Moose Jaw Moose. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. When you're in Moose Jaw don't point at the huge genitalia on the giant moose or we'll kick your ass.
6) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.
7) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for cripe's sake! Also, don't ask what a prairie oyster is or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't try to fake a Saskatchewan accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention Grant Devine, Bryan Mulroney or Jean Chretien as that will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked by a mob.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Air Canada flies out of the province twice a day. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
10) Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's -15 degrees then you should go home and try fishing in New York Harbor. Also, don't hog the heater in the fish house or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that most of Saskatchewan is flat and that there aren't enough trees. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to gorgeous Cleveland.
12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the prairie? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairie should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).
Shallow
thinking......
10 things men know about women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
10 Things Only
Women Understand About Women
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak
life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!
What you learn as you mature:
Courtesy of: blondee
Training Courses Now Available for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked
VICE SQUAD MORALS
There was a group of vice squad detectives in Florida who had to go to the local night-clubs to do some work. The night-club was apparently breaking the law by offering live nude dancers as entertainment. One night thedetectives went to the club to see the show and determine exactly what charges to file. Apparently it got very tough to decide. The cops wound up watching the show eighty-five times! And this brings the mind a story told me by a member of the Toronto Vice Squad. When asked how he determines whether to lay a charge he replied; "I use the rule of thumb. I extend my arm, with the thumb in an upright position, toward the dancer on stage and if my thumb doesn't cover the vagina she is busted."
That's
Life.....
There was this elderly couple who were having problems in the bedroom. After six months of talking, it was decidedthat the old man would go to his doctor and ask him for the magic blue pill. After the doctor did a very good physical and ordered the medication, he told the patient that there had been several deaths associated with this medication.At this the patient became very quiet for some time. Then shrugged his shoulders and said to the doctor, "If she dies, then she dies".
Men are like......
Men are like.....Placemats: they only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara: they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike Helmets: handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government Bonds: they take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking Spots: the good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers: you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava Lamps: fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank Accounts: without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High Heels: they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling Irons: they're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini Skirts: if you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Bananas: the older they get, the less firm they are.
Hmmmm! I Didn't Know That.......
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
.........and who cares?
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINKING PREFERENCES
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Mylanta
AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.
AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 channel surfing
66 napping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 a winning goal after the siren
25 sex in an airplane
35 menage a trois
48 taking over the company
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place."
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.
Courtesy of: http://www.send-laughs.com
Yukon Gold
1. Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what to do, but of course they do not wish to soil their hands. You might call that type "Dick Tator."
2. Some people never seem to be motivated to participate. They are content to watch while others do. They are "Speck Tators."
3. Some people never do anything to help, but they are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things. They might be called "Comment Taters."
4. Some people are always looking for ways to cause problems. They look or others to agree with them. You call them "Aggie Taters."
5. Then there are those who always say they will, but somehow never get around to doing anything. They are "Hezzie Taters."
6. Some people put on a front and act like they are someone they are not. They are "Emma Taters."
7. Still, there are those who live what they talk. They are always prepared to stop what they are doing to lend a hand. They bring real sunshine into others' lives. You might call them "Sweet Taters."
GOD THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMER
You know, many important theological questions are answered, if we think of God as a Computer Programmer:
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a DAT tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true? A: They are much more likely to receive email.
Courtesy of : cerberus-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com
You Think You're A Cynic.........
Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone!
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the thing-in-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge group.
One Of The Mysteries Of Life Is Solved.......
The dogs they had a meeting,
And they come from near and far,
Some came on bicycles,
And some of them came by car.
Y'know, before they could enter,
Or even take a look,
They had to take their asshole off,
And hang it on a hook.
But before they even got seated,
Every mother, pup, and sire,
An old dog hollered from the back,
"Run for your life. It's a FIRE!"
The crowd of dogs began to panic,
And nobody stopped to look.
They grabbed the nearest asshole,
Off the very nearest hook.
And this is why, even today,
A dog will drop a nice juicy bone,
And go to smell another dog's ass,
To see if it's not his own.
Don't
You Just Hate It When.....
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
KID'S INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." - Rocky, age 9
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."- Stephanie, age 8
"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."- Lamar, age 10
"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." - Carrol, age 9"
Never bug a pregnant mom." Nicholas, age 11
"Don't ever be too full for dessert." - Kelly, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?'don't answer him." - Heather, age 16
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."- Michael, age 14
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseballbat." - Joel, age 12
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your momwhen she's on the phone." - Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat." - Laura, age 13
"Never spit when on a roller coaster." - Scott, age 11
"Never do pranks at a police station." - Sam, age 10
"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."- Bob, age 10
"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." - Hank, age 12
"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."- Molly, age 11
"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."- Chelsey, age 7
"Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9
"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."- Phillip, age 13
"Forget the cake, go for the icing." - Cynthia, age 8
"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house." - Joanne, age 11
"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."- Matthew, age 12
Yu Momma........
Dis Is What They Actually Said..........
And They Say Our Educational System Isn't Working!!!!!!
The following are said to be collected from essays done by students in Grade 8 through high school......
It's The Law
A federal appeals court has upheld an Alabama law banning the sale of artificial penises. The law was challenged last year by six women who either sell sex aids or said they need them to get the job done. A U.S. District Judge agreed saying it was "overly broad" and in violation of due process rights. But last week a three-judge 11th Circuit panel overturned the ruling. They said the law, "is rationally related to the state's legitimate government interest in public morality." The penalty for selling or distributing these "objects" in Alabama? Up to one year in jail and a $10,000 fine.
Quickies........
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A: K9P.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery? A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A: He heard the snowblower coming.
Handy Tips
Courtesy: Jason
TOP TEN
REASONS TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX!
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning...
and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR
Courtesy: gramma
Murphy's Laws Of Flying
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
10 Least Populer Workout Videos
10. Buns of Blubber
9. Sweatin to Trash Metal
8. Ted Kennedy's Aqua-Nastics
7. Slam Dancin' Grannies
6. Jack Kevorkian's Suicide Workout
5. 12-Step Aerobics
4. Flapping Fannies
3. Body by Jake and the Fatman
2. Sumo-robics
1. Body Sculpting with Lorena Bobbitt
A Couple You Might Find Funny
A man stops into
this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his
meal he inquires the way to the rest room.
He's told that it's around the back of the building, so he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a shit, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads,
'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention.'
So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through.
The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger.
There was this
guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6
miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his
body and noticed that he was sun-tanned all over with one exception,
his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried
himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out.
Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a
cane and upon seeing the
thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"
The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........pointing to the penis in the sand:
When I was 20............... I was curious about it.
When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.
When I was 40............... I asked for it.
When I was 50............... I paid for it.
When I was 60............... I prayed for it.
When I was 70............... I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!"
cerberus-jokes-subscribe@onelist.com
The
Truth Is
Somewhere.........
10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Anything below 45 degrees is cold. You should be wearing a jacket and long pants.
3. Jesus was not White.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. Yes, Black folks do tan!
6. There's a very thin line between being a legitimately cool white person and being an insulting wanna-be gangster.
7. Thomas Jefferson did father Sally Hemmings' children.
8. Bob Hope has never been funny.
9. In his prime, Joe Louis would have beat the snot out of Rocky Marciano. (So would Muhammad Ali)
10. Making money does not make you a man.
10 INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS WHITE PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. O.J. did it.
2. Gold plating does not make everything better.
3. Just because you have ten fingers does not mean you have to wear ten rings.
4. Tupac is dead.
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Spandex and miniskirts are not for everyone.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
8. Larry Bird wasn't just "white hype"; he could play.
9. Your sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Making babies does not make you a man.
Courtesy of :chucklebuns-subscribe@topica.com
Why? Oh
Why!
•Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
•Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
•Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
•Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
•Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
•Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
•How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
•If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there lock on
the doors?
•If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
•If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
•If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?
•If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?
Did you know that a man is made up of many useless "things?"
.....And what are YOU laughing about?
You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!!
Lessons We Should All Learn!
Let's Test Your Judgement..........
It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote will make the difference between who gets elected. Don't scroll down until you have read the facts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Candidate A was Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B was Winston Churchill
Candidate C was Adolph Hitler
Ads You Must Read Twice........
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Michael & Woody.....
Woody Allen and Soon Yi are getting ready to leave a tip in a restaurant.
Woody has nothing smaller than a twenty and is embarrassed to ask the
waitress to break it up since he is a famous millionaire and the waitress
gave him excellent service.
Luckily, he notices Michael Jackson is sitting just two tables away, so he
taps him on the shoulder and whispers "hey pal, can you give me two tens for
a twenty?"
Michael looks across the restaurant at Soon Yi and lets out a big laugh-
"no thanks, I don't like girls."
Things to ponder........
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
and a personal one:
Why do dogs never step in shit..they have twice the opportunity!
Things That Really Tick Me Off........
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you pulled me over.
When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's on god damn piece of paper!
When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!
Putting Things In Perspective
A man was relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the shade sipping a beer and listening to the radio. As he chilled out, his wife struggled with a manual mower, pushing up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-faced.
The man's next door neighbor saw the woman battling with the mower and shouts across the fence, "You pathetic excuse for a man! You're just sitting there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should be bloody well hung!"
"I am." he shouts back. "That's why she's doing the grass."
Kids Say The Most Intelligent Things
Crude Questions & Answers
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her breasts went.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay ?
A. They don't have time.
Some More Celebrity Quotes.........
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." - P.J. O'Rourke
"Shopping is better than sex. If you're not satisfied after shopping, you
can make an exchange for something you really like." - Adrienne Gusoff
"The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense
damnable." - Lord Chesterfield
"When a man and woman are trying to have sex, he will often climax before she is ready. Sometimes he will climax before she is, technically, in the room."- Dave Barry
"He says, 'Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love.' She says, 'Well I can - and that's why we're not.'" - Rodney Dangerfield,
"A hard man is good to find." - Mae West
Courtesty of :Cerberus -- Guarding The Gates To Hades
There is more truth than humour in the following:
Murphy's Technology Law #11:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Murphy's Technology Law #12:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows
absolutely everything about nothing.
Murphy's Technology Law #13:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the galaxy, and he'll believe you. Tell him a
bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Murphy's Technology Law #14:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Murphy's Technology Law #15:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Murphy's Technology Law #16:
All's well that ends . . . period.
Murphy's Technology Law #17:
Murphy was an optimist.
Personal Development 101
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
More next week.........
More Hmmmmm.....(if it is raining too hard to go out and feed the pigeons)
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
More
Equal Opportunity Bashing
(Gender Neutral).........
Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Courtesy of: "G - P" <G-P@GP.Com>
Equal
Opportunity Bashing (Gender Neutral).........
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: Why is a hurricane like a woman?
A: It starts with a great blow, but when it's over your house and car are gone.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through the chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q: What is the difference between a man and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
So You Want To Be Successful in Business!
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Here are the Top Ten Hymns for those in their golden years:
10. "It is well with my Soul (but my back aches a lot)"
9. "Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing"
8. "Amazing Grace (considering my age)"
7. "Just A Slower Walk with Thee"
6. "Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One"
5. "Go Tell It on the Mountain--and speak up!"
4. "Give Me That Old Time Religion"
3. "Blessed Insurance"
2. "Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah (I've forgotten where I parked)"
1. "Nearer My God to Thee"
kcds1@msn.com
Hmmm.........
Courtesy: danielbooneNS@joltmail.com
Signs Your Cat Is Planning World Domination......
16. Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.
15. Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.
14. Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.
13. When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.
12. Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.
11. What you thought was "heat" is actually a four-legged goose step.
10. Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.
9. Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo" to be blueprint of the UN Building.
8. Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.
7. Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out "Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head."
6. Then -- dead mice in the kitchen.Now -- dead third world dictators in the basement.
5. Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of "land mine" technology.
4. Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.
3. Has recently been acting somewhat... aloof.
2. What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Plotting World Domination...
1. Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Pussy of Fortune" magazine.
Some one liners..........
Courtesy of Hugh Janus
24 Things We Wouldn't Know Without Movies
24. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
23. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
22. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
21. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
20. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
19. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
18. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
17. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
16. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
15. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
13. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
11. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
10. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
9. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
8. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
5. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
4. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
3. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
2. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade -- at any time of the year.
Courtesy: <http://askaquestion.hypermart.net>
More Bumper Stickers..........
For Computer "Geeks" Only...............
Courtesty of Ring
Flogging A Dead Horse :
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in organizations like governments, hospitals, large companies, school districts, etc, we often try other strategies. These can include the following:
* Buying a stronger whip.
* Changing riders.
* Saying things like "this is the way we always have ridden this horse".
* Appointing a committee to study the horse.
* Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
* Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
* Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
* Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
* Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
* Pass a resolution declaring that "this horse is not dead".
* Blaming the horse's parents.
* Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
* Declaring that, "No horse is too dead to beat."
* Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
* Do a study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
* Declare the horse is "better, faster, and cheaper" dead.
* Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
* Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
* Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
* Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
[author unknown]Courtesy of Robert Turnbull
Tax Dollars Hard At Work
America's jailbirds don't give up. Disappointed by the criminal justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil side. Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what state attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits. Here are a few favorites:
and the stupidity goes on and on and on..........
Chinese Proverbs
Courtesy of c.e.dickerson@worldnet.att.net
For Those Of You That Are More Sophisticated Than The Old Fart Here Is Something To Share With Your Friends At The Gallery - Van Gogh's Relatives
Thanks to Henry Jackson <henryj@ican.net> more to come
The Top 10 Least Impressive Mafia Nicknames
10. Mikey "Rubber Glove" Spinetti
9. Carmine "The Lovely Swan" Carpecci
8. Nick "Paper-Cut" Carlucci
7. Bobby "You Wan' Fries Wid Dat?" Minera
6. Enzo "I Didn't Mean Nothing By That" Garelli
5. Jimmy "The Guy Who Scratches His Fingernails on the Chalkboard" Genarro
4. Vito "Shaved Back" Laroo
3. Tony "The Chia Pet" Gravano
2. Marco " The Scrabble Cheat " Marconi
1. Vinnie "Say It With Flowers" LaRosa
Wise Advice From Kids.............
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
Courtesy: http://members.tripod.com/a_crusader/
Based on the debacle we see on our roads everyday the following Might Be Truer Than We Think......
How to fail your driving test:
1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
3. Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of
it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."
7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is
the gas again?"
8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and
check the oil.
9. Fill your car with beer bottles.
10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like
mothballs.
11. Swear at everybody on the road.
12. Beep your horn at everything.
Courtesy of : Hugh Janus
How to Get Rid of Jehovah Witnesses At Your Front Door (I admire their dedication and perseverence but....)
Courtesty of: "keebie" <kgriese@excel.net>
WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST... BUT SHOULD...
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
Courtesy of: thecrypt1@aol.com (Robert Biggs)
Would You Believe.........
© http://www.FunTrivia.com.
Jewish Mothers.......forgive me!
Thanks to Lynda Chupnik
On The More Serious Side
Thanks to Kash...
